What we never say.....

Again it has been too long....time really gets away from me.  Kids are busy in activities and doing amazing.  Although my heart is heavy and semi burden this past week.  Not many people know what I am about to confess, it's something that we never say.....  This weeks marks an important landmark that would have been in my life.....in 2002, in the few short weeks before my husband and I got married I had not been feeling well.  We chalked it up to nerves about the upcoming adventure, and my best friend was also getting married so there was a lot on our plate.  I ate all the time, and then threw up......felt like sleeping all day long and not ever moving anywhere.  I know......you all are guessing already.  I'm not sure why I didn't guess the same, guess it just wasn't something I thought about in the midst of events.  It wasn't until I was at my friends wedding reception that someone mentioned "I bet you're pregnant"  Then it dawned on me......I bet I WAS!!  We rush to buy a test and sure enough 2 lines popped up and we were thrilled.  We didn't plan to tell anyone just yet, I wanted it to be the right moment.  I thought that the rehearsal dinner for our wedding would be perfect, all the important family members would be there.  But I have learned that not all things are meant to be......about 4 days before our impending wedding I started to cramp and bleed heavily.  Unfortunately I knew what was happening and I sat and cried, not for the never ending pain but for the loss that I never even knew I wanted.  This was not a planned pregnancy, as my first was not.  It's the surprise things that we never expected to happen that force you to feel within the moment.  I spent days on the couch, bottled up, forcing myself to smile and keep my eye on what the weekend held......our wedding.  The wedding went perfect, surrounded by our family and friends, but it was the missing things that hit my heart in a heavy way on the day.  My grandpa had passed away months before and now the child that we had never planned.  I knew there was a reason, but one that I would never understand.  I lashed out at God, hating him for taking this child from me.  I questioned my parenting, was I not the mother that He wanted me to be??  Was I being punished??

Soon after the wedding I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew.  He ran the tests and congratulated me on a pregnancy.  I was so confused.  I explained the bleeding and cramping, he fully understood and wanted to run a weekly blood test to check the pregnancy hormone in my blood.  Each week the number went lower and lower, as I knew it would.  Meaning the pregnancy was gone.  Each time I left the office I sat in my car and cried, each time bringing back the memories of exactly what I had lost.  I can't explain the pain, it was never ending.  It was one of the hardest things in my life that I have ever had to endure.  At the time, as I still am, I was convinced this child that I carried for the 8 weeks or so of it's life was a boy.  My son, one that I will never hold, never see do the things that every mother dreams of......I will never know if my child was a boy or girl but a mother knows in her heart.  A son my husband would never have.....

As this year passed, I finally feel a sense of calm.  I would have been due with my child March 17, 2003.  As the date came and left my heart slowly begins to heal, I would have had a 11 year old in the crazy mix.  My mind wonders to the what if's and why's on random times....what would he have looked like, color of hair, eyes, tall or short....would he have liked tractors like his daddy, been obsessed with rodeo's and horses like his older sister??  Would he have been in football, baseball, basketball or wrestling....would he have wined when his little sister had dance competitions that he was bored...??  But I know that he is up in Heaven somewhere doing all of those things and that someday I will meet him, finally see what a handsome

man he is, how charming his personality is, just like his grandfather and father.  I know it will be too late to hold him but we will be together forever.

 The girls have never known about their "brother" until this past March.  It's so hard to explain things of this nature to children, they ask why......a question that even I can't explain.  I can only tell them the truth, we don't know why, we may never know why and I have to be okay with that.  And I slowly am, I have to be okay......it will always take time.  But I do believe in the strange ways of life, and talk about strange......2 of my best girlfriends have 9 boys among the 2 of them.......it's like it was meant to be.  I still have some of the chaos of a boy~just filtered that they can go home when it's too much.  lol  We all just have to take one day at a time, bad things happen in the past, and we have to be okay with that.  I know I am not the first woman to have lost a child, and I never claim to have more pain than anyone.  Just lost memories that I am slowly beginning to deal with, I have to see the light on the other side now.  Maybe God knew that I am too much girl for that one boy~so he blessed us with 4 girls.  But had that boy came, would the girls have followed as they did??  Would we have stopped with the perfect mix of 1 and 1??  I will never know that, and in some small way I'm perfectly happy with that.  I can't image my life without the chaos of dance and cheer-leading, makeup, boy talk and all of the silly little things.