As Christmas time is approaching us quickly this year our family is doing things a bit differently......something along the lines of a Tiny Tim Christmas. Gifts have been scaled back this year, pretty much none exhinstent, not for lack of money but for lack of reasoning. If you think about all of the things in a year our children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews recieve........just random things they might "need" or just purely want. I know my girls get almost anything they wish throughout the year, so why should the NEED anything for Christmas?? It seems like the Christmas spirit has simply been replaced with commercialize, the need to exchange gifts and some quite simply ones we don't even want. Last year each of the girls got tablets, now I thought that was a great idea, but withing weeks they had either got it taken away or had lost it.......seems like money well spent to me right?? The little girls got simpler versions of tablets, which they were not pleased with after the new tablet smell wore off.......if you would ask them today where they are they would look at you like you have 6 eyes on your forehead.
I simply mean, none of these materialistic things meant anything to them. Sure, we go to the candle light service at church (one of my favorite services) where each and every time I cry. To have my healthy family together is all I really need anymore. So this year I made the executive decision that our family will be volunteering at a Community Kitchen within the area. Emails have been sent and messages delivered, in hopes that someone is willing to take on our family as their servers. I want my girls to see there are so many different walks of life, and to never be ashamed to ask for help. In return, if you have asked for help and are at a point in your life where you are able to pay it forward, please do so. We have been fortunate enough to have never visited a Community Kitchen or any other type of shelter, but I know there are those who have. Life is not always easy and sometimes we need a helping hand. I want the girls to see people who might not have a big fancy house, big loving family but are thrilled to receive a smile and a warm meal. I want them to be that person, one to not judge......the one to lend that hand to stand. So this year, 2014 is our Tiny Tim Christmas.......we are going back to the meaning of Christmas........ <3
Friday, December 5, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Delusion
Do you ever feel like life is a delusion?? You see things the way YOU want them to be, but with a set of clear, open eyes things are much different than they one seemed?? Lately I seem to have fallen into that grand scheme of my delusional life. Things and people I thought were there seem to be fading away. Life happens and friendships and plans melt away like icicles. In my reality my life seems perfect. On the inside things are melting away.....figuratively speaking. My life is an open book for many things, but somethings are too intimate to share with the entire world. Just know that teenagers are so tough to raise......learning that one first hand as we speak. The life you thought was around you is nothing but a shadow of the one that you truly wish to have. Perfection is a myth, one that I would love to discover. There are times that you sit in a crowded room surrounded by people and yet seem so alone. To others you are the one that is all put together, from head to toe. To you it's the way you HAVE to be, for you. To cover your feelings of insecurity from others, but mostly from yourself. To put on that perfect face to cover your sorrow and fears..... The people that you once surrounded yourself in are no longer at a fingers tip reach, a stone throw away........always a phone call away, but with busy hectic lives. You are too busy convincing yourself that you don't need them, to see that now is when you need them the most. There are friendships that have been lost, in the back of your mind that you truly miss........it was all in your palm of your hand at one time and now it's up in the air. While others were able to move on you waited, listened to everyone else say why no to, when you should have listened to yourself why TO!! Because you need someone!! There will always be those tried and true people who will never go out of your life, those that would move heaven and earth to help you. People who even though they aren't blood family are more so than other people you have known your entire life. Life is really tough alone.......make sure you have someone to walk with you........
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Parenting.....
Our job as parents is to raise our children, as we find a respectable way to do so. Some families find a simplistic way and some take the straight and narrow path laid in front of them as their generations before them have done. It's the one job that has no clear cut description on how to build. It's our lives, our wisdom we choose to spread to our children. But this is where I can a concern, what wisdom is being spread......
My 7 year old recently came home from school only to tell me, quite mistrude, that her "friend" Minnie (not her real name) told her somethings about our family, that clearly had been from her parents. Things that from my memory are untrue~it was 7 years ago and sometimes my memory fades, but that's beside the fact.
As parents we must realize that our children hear EVERYTHING we say.....the good, bad and everything in-between!! Children are born innocent, we as parents and grandparents are the ones to build our children. We provide the pieces in their minds, we build the person that they are going to grow to be. If we are going to talk in the privacy of our own homes about other people's lives that's what it should remain, private. The innocence of a child knows not what is right and what is wrong. They say what they hear, not afraid of hurting those people involved. If we so choose to discuss things of a private nature in front of our children then they should be taught there are things that we share outside of the house and things that never leave the house. I understand we are all human and things sometimes slip out, but remember those little slips can and most likely will hurt someone else. I know I had a sweet 7 year old girl that thought she had done something wrong.....:(
My 7 year old recently came home from school only to tell me, quite mistrude, that her "friend" Minnie (not her real name) told her somethings about our family, that clearly had been from her parents. Things that from my memory are untrue~it was 7 years ago and sometimes my memory fades, but that's beside the fact.
As parents we must realize that our children hear EVERYTHING we say.....the good, bad and everything in-between!! Children are born innocent, we as parents and grandparents are the ones to build our children. We provide the pieces in their minds, we build the person that they are going to grow to be. If we are going to talk in the privacy of our own homes about other people's lives that's what it should remain, private. The innocence of a child knows not what is right and what is wrong. They say what they hear, not afraid of hurting those people involved. If we so choose to discuss things of a private nature in front of our children then they should be taught there are things that we share outside of the house and things that never leave the house. I understand we are all human and things sometimes slip out, but remember those little slips can and most likely will hurt someone else. I know I had a sweet 7 year old girl that thought she had done something wrong.....:(
Friday, April 25, 2014
Just Me.....
As a grown BEAUTIFUL woman today, I am encouraged almost daily that I am more than what I ever thought. From friends and their kind words to building friendships with those I don't know all too well. To hear that I am pretty or beautiful is odd to me.....but something that I must adjust my mind to believe. Every person is beautiful in their own, God created each of us differently for a reason. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. My teeth are weird and I'm more of a nerd than most will ever realize. ;) But I am me, just me.....I am learning how to love myself for what I have. Each day I become stronger, forgetting about those that cut and belittled me, but thanking them in the same token. Without them I would have never discovered how strong I could be, out of necessity. As everyone is, I am a work in progress......:)
Friday, March 21, 2014
What we never say.....
Again it has been too long....time really gets away from me. Kids are busy in activities and doing amazing. Although my heart is heavy and semi burden this past week. Not many people know what I am about to confess, it's something that we never say..... This weeks marks an important landmark that would have been in my life.....in 2002, in the few short weeks before my husband and I got married I had not been feeling well. We chalked it up to nerves about the upcoming adventure, and my best friend was also getting married so there was a lot on our plate. I ate all the time, and then threw up......felt like sleeping all day long and not ever moving anywhere. I know......you all are guessing already. I'm not sure why I didn't guess the same, guess it just wasn't something I thought about in the midst of events. It wasn't until I was at my friends wedding reception that someone mentioned "I bet you're pregnant" Then it dawned on me......I bet I WAS!! We rush to buy a test and sure enough 2 lines popped up and we were thrilled. We didn't plan to tell anyone just yet, I wanted it to be the right moment. I thought that the rehearsal dinner for our wedding would be perfect, all the important family members would be there. But I have learned that not all things are meant to be......about 4 days before our impending wedding I started to cramp and bleed heavily. Unfortunately I knew what was happening and I sat and cried, not for the never ending pain but for the loss that I never even knew I wanted. This was not a planned pregnancy, as my first was not. It's the surprise things that we never expected to happen that force you to feel within the moment. I spent days on the couch, bottled up, forcing myself to smile and keep my eye on what the weekend held......our wedding. The wedding went perfect, surrounded by our family and friends, but it was the missing things that hit my heart in a heavy way on the day. My grandpa had passed away months before and now the child that we had never planned. I knew there was a reason, but one that I would never understand. I lashed out at God, hating him for taking this child from me. I questioned my parenting, was I not the mother that He wanted me to be?? Was I being punished??
Soon after the wedding I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew. He ran the tests and congratulated me on a pregnancy. I was so confused. I explained the bleeding and cramping, he fully understood and wanted to run a weekly blood test to check the pregnancy hormone in my blood. Each week the number went lower and lower, as I knew it would. Meaning the pregnancy was gone. Each time I left the office I sat in my car and cried, each time bringing back the memories of exactly what I had lost. I can't explain the pain, it was never ending. It was one of the hardest things in my life that I have ever had to endure. At the time, as I still am, I was convinced this child that I carried for the 8 weeks or so of it's life was a boy. My son, one that I will never hold, never see do the things that every mother dreams of......I will never know if my child was a boy or girl but a mother knows in her heart. A son my husband would never have.....
As this year passed, I finally feel a sense of calm. I would have been due with my child March 17, 2003. As the date came and left my heart slowly begins to heal, I would have had a 11 year old in the crazy mix. My mind wonders to the what if's and why's on random times....what would he have looked like, color of hair, eyes, tall or short....would he have liked tractors like his daddy, been obsessed with rodeo's and horses like his older sister?? Would he have been in football, baseball, basketball or wrestling....would he have wined when his little sister had dance competitions that he was bored...?? But I know that he is up in Heaven somewhere doing all of those things and that someday I will meet him, finally see what a handsome
man he is, how charming his personality is, just like his grandfather and father. I know it will be too late to hold him but we will be together forever.
The girls have never known about their "brother" until this past March. It's so hard to explain things of this nature to children, they ask why......a question that even I can't explain. I can only tell them the truth, we don't know why, we may never know why and I have to be okay with that. And I slowly am, I have to be okay......it will always take time. But I do believe in the strange ways of life, and talk about strange......2 of my best girlfriends have 9 boys among the 2 of them.......it's like it was meant to be. I still have some of the chaos of a boy~just filtered that they can go home when it's too much. lol We all just have to take one day at a time, bad things happen in the past, and we have to be okay with that. I know I am not the first woman to have lost a child, and I never claim to have more pain than anyone. Just lost memories that I am slowly beginning to deal with, I have to see the light on the other side now. Maybe God knew that I am too much girl for that one boy~so he blessed us with 4 girls. But had that boy came, would the girls have followed as they did?? Would we have stopped with the perfect mix of 1 and 1?? I will never know that, and in some small way I'm perfectly happy with that. I can't image my life without the chaos of dance and cheer-leading, makeup, boy talk and all of the silly little things.
Soon after the wedding I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew. He ran the tests and congratulated me on a pregnancy. I was so confused. I explained the bleeding and cramping, he fully understood and wanted to run a weekly blood test to check the pregnancy hormone in my blood. Each week the number went lower and lower, as I knew it would. Meaning the pregnancy was gone. Each time I left the office I sat in my car and cried, each time bringing back the memories of exactly what I had lost. I can't explain the pain, it was never ending. It was one of the hardest things in my life that I have ever had to endure. At the time, as I still am, I was convinced this child that I carried for the 8 weeks or so of it's life was a boy. My son, one that I will never hold, never see do the things that every mother dreams of......I will never know if my child was a boy or girl but a mother knows in her heart. A son my husband would never have.....
As this year passed, I finally feel a sense of calm. I would have been due with my child March 17, 2003. As the date came and left my heart slowly begins to heal, I would have had a 11 year old in the crazy mix. My mind wonders to the what if's and why's on random times....what would he have looked like, color of hair, eyes, tall or short....would he have liked tractors like his daddy, been obsessed with rodeo's and horses like his older sister?? Would he have been in football, baseball, basketball or wrestling....would he have wined when his little sister had dance competitions that he was bored...?? But I know that he is up in Heaven somewhere doing all of those things and that someday I will meet him, finally see what a handsome
The girls have never known about their "brother" until this past March. It's so hard to explain things of this nature to children, they ask why......a question that even I can't explain. I can only tell them the truth, we don't know why, we may never know why and I have to be okay with that. And I slowly am, I have to be okay......it will always take time. But I do believe in the strange ways of life, and talk about strange......2 of my best girlfriends have 9 boys among the 2 of them.......it's like it was meant to be. I still have some of the chaos of a boy~just filtered that they can go home when it's too much. lol We all just have to take one day at a time, bad things happen in the past, and we have to be okay with that. I know I am not the first woman to have lost a child, and I never claim to have more pain than anyone. Just lost memories that I am slowly beginning to deal with, I have to see the light on the other side now. Maybe God knew that I am too much girl for that one boy~so he blessed us with 4 girls. But had that boy came, would the girls have followed as they did?? Would we have stopped with the perfect mix of 1 and 1?? I will never know that, and in some small way I'm perfectly happy with that. I can't image my life without the chaos of dance and cheer-leading, makeup, boy talk and all of the silly little things.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Becoming a parent
It's been WAY TOO LONG since I last blogged. You guys should really get after me about that!! ;) So 2014.......hope it's been going well for all of you!! With a new year comes resolutions that we all know will sooner rather than later be broken. I never make them anymore~I make goals instead. Goals to reach for, goals to climb my personal mountains to reach. One goal that so many people have set for their lives is becoming a parent. Parenting is one of the most challenging and yet rewarding thing ever. You have the fun of trying to get pregnant, lol, the not so fun part of delivering that beautiful bundle, and the life long task of taking care of that precious cargo. Yes babies are adorable, but they also have a long list of things that are not so cute about them. Lets talk the screaming because you left the room, screaming just because I'm bored and I can, pooping in the most unconvenient places ever, throwing up, the list could go on and on........Unless you get one of those perfect models~yeah....what is that??!! I love the time I had with my children as the grew, I would never change any of that for any amount of money you could possibly pay me. But as my life is now~I actually like to sleep the entire night and enjoy not having to wipe anyone's checks but my own. Once baby fever hits you it's pretty hard not to want to jump right in there.
But many people seem to think that babies are disposable. You just have one, raise it for a little while and then when your done you just walk away from it. But what happens to the child, what is their life going to look like for the rest of it?? Having a baby is a life long commitment that you can't just decide one day, oh their cute so lets do this. Children are here forever, or till death do us part. They are put into our lives to teach us about ourselves and them as well. I know my kiddo's have taught me how much stronger I can be when I need to. I was a teen parent that succeeded where I needed to, we discovered we were pregnant with our second only to loose the pregnancy, which in turn make us contemplate when we wanted to add to our family. So we fought long and hard to get pregnant with our second daughter, we threw caution to the wind with our third and discovered that something that came so easy might just be harder than you had originally thought. Our last addition came as a complete shock to our family~but is just what we needed to complete us as a family. I would never trade any of my girls (well........) The are life lessons, some that we may need to learn sooner than others.
Then there are the families that would love to add to their lives but for reason beyond any of us just can't. That makes me look at the people who just because they can have babies. So many children live the lives as someone door mat simply because they have no other choice, they are children. As parents we promise to give our children all of the best things that we can, not saying money but love and understanding. Any person can have sex and carry a baby~it takes someone with that special love and understanding to be a parent. One of my best friends in the world has been hoping for a baby for such a long time. I'm not going into details for their privacy. :) I have been by their side as much as I can and ache for them. I know their desire and passion for children~and sit helpless at their side. I would love to help them reach their dreams of their own little one, but what is there that I can do?? I have thought about carrying the child for them~but I know that would never work out as planned, I love too deep. From the moment I felt my child move inside of me I loved them more than I can even describe. I'm not sure how that would feel, carrying someone that you know you can never have a part of.......I really wish I could rewire my brain to think that way, if only it were that easy. lol
I guess I went on a pointless rant.......lol kids will do that to you. I just want to remind people to think about what they are getting into. Babies are forever, till death do us part.
But many people seem to think that babies are disposable. You just have one, raise it for a little while and then when your done you just walk away from it. But what happens to the child, what is their life going to look like for the rest of it?? Having a baby is a life long commitment that you can't just decide one day, oh their cute so lets do this. Children are here forever, or till death do us part. They are put into our lives to teach us about ourselves and them as well. I know my kiddo's have taught me how much stronger I can be when I need to. I was a teen parent that succeeded where I needed to, we discovered we were pregnant with our second only to loose the pregnancy, which in turn make us contemplate when we wanted to add to our family. So we fought long and hard to get pregnant with our second daughter, we threw caution to the wind with our third and discovered that something that came so easy might just be harder than you had originally thought. Our last addition came as a complete shock to our family~but is just what we needed to complete us as a family. I would never trade any of my girls (well........) The are life lessons, some that we may need to learn sooner than others.
Then there are the families that would love to add to their lives but for reason beyond any of us just can't. That makes me look at the people who just because they can have babies. So many children live the lives as someone door mat simply because they have no other choice, they are children. As parents we promise to give our children all of the best things that we can, not saying money but love and understanding. Any person can have sex and carry a baby~it takes someone with that special love and understanding to be a parent. One of my best friends in the world has been hoping for a baby for such a long time. I'm not going into details for their privacy. :) I have been by their side as much as I can and ache for them. I know their desire and passion for children~and sit helpless at their side. I would love to help them reach their dreams of their own little one, but what is there that I can do?? I have thought about carrying the child for them~but I know that would never work out as planned, I love too deep. From the moment I felt my child move inside of me I loved them more than I can even describe. I'm not sure how that would feel, carrying someone that you know you can never have a part of.......I really wish I could rewire my brain to think that way, if only it were that easy. lol
I guess I went on a pointless rant.......lol kids will do that to you. I just want to remind people to think about what they are getting into. Babies are forever, till death do us part.
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