Recently I've discovered that not all of my family members feel that I've made good choices, wither that's in posting a picture or what not.....I sat on my feelings when I received an e-mail stating how disappointed they were in my posting pictures, calling me "tacky" well, my dear, the thing is, that's your opinion.....and your entitled to it. Just as I am entitled to post pictures for my children or friends of the family to see. Some of us want to remember, even though our lives may not be as perfect as we all claim I never have sent such a harsh message to FAMILY!! 

I miss the get together's where we hid in the bed room and promise to always be there.....I miss my kiddos having cousins......I miss being part of something bigger than just my own home. The sad reality is when the grand parents pass away most families desolve. The once might oak of a family begins to age and die inside. The parents (our parents) become the leaders of the family, the birth of a new mighty oak. Families continue to grow as the original oak continues to be forgotten as it rots into the earth.

I had always dreamed as a child that my "family" would be the one to forge through the typical forest. I knew in the passing of my grand father in 2002? that our family would start to wither....my grand mother was a tough one to get along with. She was set in her ways and had a strong mind. I believe most people were pushed away by this, since we are all seed of this amazing tree, we were all pretty set in our minds. Even as she aged no one felt compelled to visit, her health started to deteriorate.....I'm sure most knew the end was coming sooner rather than later.....even in that final call when you hear the words "your grandmother passed away last night" do you find courage. The courage to cry, to morn the woman who was so short with you, you begin to realize it was real. She is really gone........I sat in the moment and cried, tears streaming down my cheeks. My last grandparent was gone....... My grandma had a private service held on her birthday, family only. We all gathered, most of us for the first time since we laid my grandpa to rest. I thought maybe things could be different, maybe since our mighty oak had just blown down we could still stand tall as one....but it was clear as we all stood that was never going to happen. Many of the members choose not to attend for what ever reason, I never had a doubt in my mind of going. I knew that may dad had just lost his mother and I was going to be there for him, this wasn't about me, Even though I had lost my grandmother, my dad lost the one woman who would love him forever.....the woman who stated his family..... I guess in all the grief we sometimes forget that. We forget that it's not always about us, it's sometimes bigger than that.

After the service was over we gathered at the church with one last chance to reach each other......some chatted and some chose to coil up. It was awesome talking with cousins I haven't seen in years. Amazing to meet their children that I had never had the pleasure to meet before. Yet we all remained guarded, maybe knowing this was the last time we had to be together......

My dad's hand is in the glove on the stone.....

The task at current hand has been dividing a household that my grandparents created all those years ago. Seeing pictures and objects they held near and dear all sit in an empty house. To drive by the house at night with no light on.....it's real........ As a small child I remember my grandma collecting holiday Barbies, and I always wanted those fancy dolls. Not sure that I fully realized that to get those dolls my grandma had to be gone. Even though she passed over 2 months ago, I just brought those dolls home this past weekend. As my girls carried them to the house and sat them on the table it felt so strange, these were her's..... As we clean and ready things for a sale you wonder what memories each item holds.

My "family" has had it's arm load of problems and I'm sure a few more arm loads are still coming as things hopefully come to an end. I wish they could all remember no mater what hard feelings have grown and sprouted from life events, they are the only family they will ever have. My dad only has 3 sisters and 1 baby brother, they will never get those people again. They will never get back the memories that make them smile and laugh, but instead now those memories are replaced with fighting over how things should go and believing they are entitled to more than they are. How one thinks you can walk out of the family and let all of that go, then all of a sudden think you need to be there.......that's not how any of this works. Why can't they be there for each other?? They all lost a mother and a father years before.....why can't they see that?? Even as I sit and type this my heart breaks, I know the struggles I have seen my dad go through, I know the toll it is taking on him. I wish this cold all just be over for him!!

Moral of the story here is: we all only have 1 family......I know things come and go....life knocks us down and as we stand only to trip again. Winds blow and rocks are thrown....but please, remember we are all cut of the same blood.  

And to the one who e-mailed me, I have a message to you..... I love you no matter what has happened. I took those pictures so family members who chose not to go might be able to have a tiny bit of closure. That moment that they needed, so that my children might remember their great grandmother. I know you don't see it that way, and for that I am sorry, but that wasn't about you. That was about me. <3