Challenges

As a wife and mother I take on many challenges everyday...sometimes those challenges are easily solved and others take some time to plow through.  One challenge that I always seem to have is within my marriage, now don't get me wrong~I love my husband to the moon and back~but some times relationships take a lot of work.  I was recently chatting with a very romantic man who was having issues with his wife.  He loves her to the moon and beyond but she has yet to show him in return those very same feelings.  I feel the need to help him~as he seems to be at his whits end.  I know every marriage has it's issues~especially when you throw a few kids in there.  lol  There is never time for each other like early in the relationship~those old patterns of flowers, gifts and candy seem to go out the window.  Now romantic dinner consist of Mac and cheese or Mc Donalds......now I like both of those places but sometimes wish too to have candle light and romantic music.....

My Love Bugs.

I remember one day my husband (then boyfriend) went in to the gas station~when he came back out to his car he had something in a bag.  He proudly handed it to me with a huge grin on his face like a small child with a quarter.  I opened the bag and there was a box~a small clear plastic box~within that box was a silly little pot with these little ladybugs with legs that moved when you shook it.  They were love bugs.  I still smile when I think about it.  I still have those little love bugs~14 years later.  I think it's in the small things~my husband loves to be silly~and I love to get gifts.  lol

When I was still in school and he was on his way home from work going to college~he would pass through and leave notes on the dash of my vehicle~just silly little things.  I loved the surprise of finding those notes and if I dig out the box I believe I still have many of them.  :)  I think it's vital to any relationship to remember those early times in your relationship~the reason that you feel madly in love.  My husbands grandparents had been married for over 60 years.  His grandfather passed away a few years ago and his grandmother was left here to morn the loss of her only true love.  She still has many of his things in her apartment, she still talks to him every morning......I think it is the sweetest thing I have ever heard.  She misses him like crazy and can't wait for the day until they are able to be together again.  She is an amazing woman~she stays strong when I think I would have slowly died without the man that I love.  She tells me often when we visit her that she hopes that my husband and I make it to those same 60+ years~I always look at her in wonder and some disbelief~not sure that I want 60+ years of the same man that sometimes gets on my nerves.  lol  ;)  I admire her strength and love for her husband.

Trying out the clay mask he bought for me.  :)

And yes there are always times that I want to pick up the nearest frying pan and give my husband a good whack in the back of the head~but when he turns around and flashes those baby blue eyes my heart turns into a puddle.  Without those times of frustration and wonder I think love would go astray.  You would forget what makes you weak in the knees in the first place.  I know there are times that I take for granted that my husband works all day long to provide a home for us~as he walks in the door late and I want to reach for that pan.........but I have to remember he is walking in late for me.  He only wants to provide the very best for me and that takes money......unfortunately money doesn't grow on trees.  lol

So I would challenge you to sit down with a piece of paper and write down a list of things that you and your spouse did in the early years~before kiddo's..... the things that you once loved to do and miss like crazy.  Then make a list of things that you love about your spouse........I bet your list will be longer than what you think it might.  :)  Remember those silly moments that you shared......even those intimate moments that make you blush~I think all of those things are important to remember if we want to build our relationships stronger.  Remember all those times too that made you cry and want to walk away~but always remember what made you stay.

A nice spring walk, 1998.

Our little family on our wedding day, July 27, 2002

My senior prom~2000

Fuzzy Navel, long island ice tea.........

There's a story behind every great friendship......

Fuzzy navel, long island ice tea, liquid cocaine and mellow yellow.........what a great night.  What you start out to be just a quite night with one friend and some fries turns into a great night with a few added friends.  The invitation is always open to those who want to join~disappointment is always there when they turn you down, but excitement is abundant when they come running up to the window waving!!  lol  And when another formular face walks up to the table we are more than happy to move over a chair!!  I may wear a taco shell on my head but what fun is it if you can't break lose with your girls??  We talked about many things that night~things and people that I won't apologize about.  :)  When asked what was said the fuzzy navel might have cleared some of my memories as what was said that night stays within that night!!  :)

 I can say that I love the impromptu  meetings with the girls as they are far and few between.  But they are so much needed too~as stay at home moms we all need a break where we can speak freely and have no worries that someone is going to taddle on us.  We are all grown adults and if we choose to behave like a adolescent then we shall be treated that way.  There will always be the people that pout when they weren't "invited" up to join but I might say they never asked either.  Our meeting was in a public place where anyone is invited~not like we hide it from anyone.  Sometimes we just need time away from the drama only to find that we have created more in doing so.  lol  It was never the intention to exclude anyone from the fun~just happened to happen that way.  I am a believer that if you wait to be asked then you may parish while waiting.  If you go through life waiting for people to ask you to join them then what kind of a life do you have??  I am not pointing fingers at anyone here either!!  lol  Just saying what is on my mind. 

There will be stories from that night out~I was made into a sandwich (which I think I made a great middle piece) as the others were having a convo around me and I just bopped from one to the other (good thing too cause one person didn't have a clue who they were talking to!)  Seeing a person backing down the main street in your small town makes you believe that you have had a few too many drinks until the sober man beside you asks if you saw it too!!  I might add that I only had 2 drinks so I was no where near feeling the "fuzzy" of the navel I was drinking.  That night we also popped a cherry so to say of one of our gals.  lol  Never been in a bar no more missy!!  And the rumors are proven to be lies as she went home with the same people she came in with!!  ;)  And as we exit the bar one of us pushes the way past the bar stools like she owns them!!  Hahahaha.....I can still see it.  :)  Stories like these build great friendships and makes you remember that we are all people that deep down inside just want to have fun.  Even thought we lost one along the way we have created many more...........

Love my girls and can't wait for the next time ladies............ ;)

My furry little lover......

Once again my blog is a personal reflection of what is happening in my own life, this past week has been dedicated to my furry little lover, Mr. Squeeky (my kitty).

You see my kitty has not been feeling very well for the past week~he started out last weekend with being sluggish and vomiting.  Vomiting lasted a few days~of course pets get sick (like children) on the weekend when the office is not open!! lol  So we waited it out at home and tried to make him comfortable as possible.  As soon as Monday morning came and the kiddo's were off to school kitty went in to the vet.  The vet took him out of his carrier and looked at him and could see he was sick.  He was dehydrated and had a very high temperature~cats normal temp. sits between 100~102.~he rang in at 105.  So with being dehydrated they needed to get some water into him~so they gave him "saddlebags" which is injecting saline solution under his skin.  It was a pretty cool thing to watch~he looked almost back up to his normal weight~he was given 4 bags~normal dehydrated cats get 3.  I was told that he would absorb them by lunch time~as we stood in the office and talked about what else was going on with him I noticed that his bags were gone!!  Which was a good thing because he needed the water.  He was also put on antibiotics (and given a shot) for the next week.  I thought to myself that it would be pretty easy to give him oral med's~until he starts to feel better which might get harder than thought possible.  lol  Took my kitty lover home~told to return if he didn't stop vomiting and not acting like himself, I hoped we would not be back.

Well, Tuesday came and he wasn't vomiting but he still wasn't eating~which is a huge concern to me.  So I took him back in where he received 3 more "saddlebags" and was sent home to recover.  It was cute because he was leaking fluid as he walked along the floor~leaving a little trail where he walked.  lol  The good thing was no more vomiting so we had climbed one hill~now on to many others.  The day went on and he seemed to feel a little bit more alive.  Then around 8:30 he went to the cat box where he made a very bloody deposit~which made me fall apart inside~I just wanted to be alone and cry~I prayed for him to get better over and over~too many times to count.

You see there is a history with this cat.......one year ago today my precious little kitty decided to swallow a sewing pin with a needle attached to it!!  So he had to have x-rays to find the placement  of the needle~it was neatly sitting in his small intestine where it would be impossible to pass on his own so he was prepped and had surgery.  (while he was down we also had him neutered.  :))  lol 

 He recovered very well after his surgery and grew up to be a very loving cat.  :)  Until now~Mr. Squeeky has an obsession with pony beads~you know, the ones that little kids make necklaces and bracelets with??  He loves to bounce them down the hall way~sometimes he takes them to the bathtub to play so he doesn't lose them in such a large space.  (until they go down the drain!)  :(  This kitty had gotten me through so much in his young life, when we had to let our 12 year old black lab, Ruger, be put to sleep, Mr.  Squeeky laid with me as I cried, slept with me and pretty much never left my side.  One could say that he saved me when I was in a bad place~and here he is not feeling well and there is pretty much nothing that I can do to help him.  You see~I was there the minute that Squeeky was born~helped his mama with delivery, watched him from the minute he was born.  This little guy is one of my children~probably the only little boy that I will ever have.  I have caught slack from the fact that I have spent so much money on this free cat~but you see, many people pay hundreds of dollars for cats, dogs and other small companions.  My little guys was free~just the medical issues that we have encountered in his short 1 1/2 year of his life.

So I guess that takes us to Wednesday.....I loaded him up in the carrier and took him to town~but left him in the van as I went into talk to the vet (whom had left for the morning) I guess he didn't think we would be back in.  lol  So when I came in with the issue of him passing blood the gal at the front desk quickly said let me give him (the vet) a quick call.  We traded information through the phone and from what he was hearing he thought it was a good thing that the cat was passing blood.  It might have been a sign that there was an intestinal infection that was in the lining of him that was passing~which would be great.  He let me know that as long as he was not vomiting that was okay.  Said that as long as it wasn't a lot of blood we should be getting better.  Squeeky had taken a few small bites of food that morning and had been drinking so things were finally starting to look up.  Thursday came and as Squeeky came running to the cat box I saw that he is still passing blood~which I am thinking can not be healthy for him to be doing~especially since he is not eating anymore.  Upon talking to a friend she had convinced me to give him another day.  He was defiantly feeling better as he was spending more time with the family in our space so that was a plus.  But Thursday night after actually having to push to pass his deposit he jumped out of the cat box and vomited.  Not what I was wanting to happen.  I made the decision that he needed to go back to the vet on Friday and demand some testing be done to find out what is happening.  So waking up this morning I dreaded getting out of bed.  There was still blood in the cat box and Squeeky still not eating.  So I called the vet's office and explained to the vet on the phone what was going on and said I would like to bring him in to be seen~just wanting to set up a time to come in.  4 :45 today can not come soon enough for us.  Maybe we can finally get some answers on what is strangely happening to Mr. Squeeky.  At this point I have paid around $325.00 for my furry little lover~but really can you put a price on love??  Can you say that the money just isn't there so he can't get help??  I would move heaven and earth if I could to help him.  He is just as much part of my family as my children are~he has been there for me and now it's my turn to be there for him.

UPDATE.........

I kinda feel like I need to catch everyone up to speed with my little man!!  lol  I guess the post above takes us up to Friday before the vet's appointment~at that visit we had x-rays done to see if there was a possible blockage~I was hoping for an easy answer like yes there was a blockage.  lol  But we had to wait until Monday to read the x-rays.  So one of the longest weekends to date we waited..........Monday came and the phone call came in~NO BLOCKAGE!!  :(  Now we had no clue what was causing this!!  So we opted for exploratory surgery to see what was going on.  Squeeky made it great through surgery and came home very sore on Tuesday.  They had discovered that he had pancreatitis~http://www.manhattancats.com/Articles/pancreatitis_test.html Pretty much that means "his pancreas was inflamed, resulting in the digestive enzymes being released into the pancreas itself rather than into the intestinal tract, a condition we generally term “pancreatitis”. No one is sure what causes pancreatitis in cats.  Trauma, infection, parasitism, and idiosyncratic reactions to certain drugs are potential causes of pancreatitis, however, the vast majority of cases (> 90%) cannot be linked to any one specific cause.  Siamese cats seem to be at greater risk than other cats, which suggest a possible genetic component to the disorder."

That night he was laying on the floor in the dining room and I heard this noise like someone was pouring water on the floor followed by thumping.  I went out to check on him and there he was thrashing around on the floor having some sort of seizure.  He vomited all over the floor and just laid there~I began crying my eyes out in the fear that I was witnessing my beloved furry lover pass away in front of my eyes.  His breathing was shallow and his eyes glazed over~he looked like death was sitting on his shoulder.  There was nothing left in my mind to do~I had made the choice that if he was this way in the morning then we would end all of this and put him down.  I didn't want my boy to suffer.  I tucked him into a blanket and gave him a million kisses and told him just as many times that I loved him and that it was ok to go~not to worry about me.  I went to bed that night with a very heavy heart~not sure of what the morning would bring.

I woke up extra early Wednesday morning to check on the nights progress~convinced that there would be a cold little lump under the blankets I had tucked in the night before.  But much to my disbelief there was NOTHING THERE!!  I started to panic~thought maybe my husband had moved him so I wouldn't see him~but as I started down the basement stares a little orange body stopped me in my tracks~he had moved and was still alive!!  :D  (You see the night before I had prayed to God that if he needed to take him I understood~didn't like it but I understood. I had prayed that He would do what was best for Squeeky~although he had helped me through some very tough times and I still needed him maybe God needed him for a bigger plan.  As I cried myself to sleep that night I hated God~the feelings I felt for him were indescribable~not really sure why~I had asked him to do what was best.  When He made his choice I was furious with him~He had only done what I had asked of him.)  But much to my disbelief my cat was a fighter and had not given into God's plan for him.  I loaded him back into the so formular carrier and took him to the one place I knew/thought I could get answers.  The vets were stumped~never has anything like this happened. (Squeeky is a one of a kind boy!)  They  had sent home medicine for him to take which I had given to him~the list of side affects (I know you shouldn't read those) said a seizure is possible.  I asked if the medicine was necessary~which I was told no, it was to help with the pain and the swelling.  I said no more of the medicine if that might be what caused him to seize.  We made the choice to let Squeeky stay a few days at the vet's office so they could monitor him better~he still wasn't eating or drinking and was easily dehydrated.  They gave him IV fluid to perk him up~which did the trick.  I would visit him in the morning~the first morning he was still pretty weak~he did meow but no getting up to see me.  Friday morning when I went to visit he was very excited to see me!!  He jumped up and wanted Mom!!  lol  They were giving him antibiotic to fight any infection that he might have had from surgery so that would have to be continued at home~and also the force feeding him would have to be done. I was certain I could do both things at home with him~just wanted my boy home.  So off we went~hoping to not return until the stitches needed out!!

The first major step is to get him to eat something~I tried many things....tuna water, chicken, cat food with gravy, he would try anything and I was thrilled!!  I cried happy tears when he started eating for the first time~maybe we are finally going a step up!!  The force feedings were getting difficult~he was getting stronger and fought more with me~claws are not my friend!! lol  I knew he wasn't doing it to hurt me but he was just over it~I was too, and hoped he understood that I wasn't trying to hurt him either.  So the weekend had come again and he kept eating small bits of soft things~he loved chicken in a can!!  lol  And I would give it to him just because he would eat it!!  (our pets don't eat "people food" very often)  Anything that he would eat I would feed him.  I even shared my chicken stripes from Hardee's with him~those are my favorite but what can you do when your sick kitty is staring at you licking his mouth??!!  So Squeeky was slowly gaining weight~joked with him that he needed to fatten up cause we had plans to eat him for Thanksgiving!!  lol  (I would never eat my boy!!)

So the day came to have his stitches out~14 days post op.  :)  I honestly never thought that we would make it this far.  We loaded him up and took him to town for a "happy visit" this time.  I walked into the office and all eyes were on me~I hadn't been in for 10 days and they all feared the worst had happened.  lol  I happily reminded them that it was 14 days post op and we were he for a removal of the stitches.  :)  They all heaved a sy of relief and joked they had forgotten all about it!!  Healing was doing well~there was a scab in the stitches which got removed and we were sent on our way home~hoping to be the last visit for a LONG TIME!! lol  Well, Turkey day came and went and we were thankful for the love of pets (which we did not cook and eat).  My sister noticed that Squeeky had a little bit of what might be infection in his incision so just needed to keep an eye on it.  I checked it on Friday and noticed that it was leaking some fluid so I wiped it off and put on some triple antibiotic cream.  Saturday morning he was still leaking so to be safe we loaded up for some advice.  We were told where the scab was hadn't healed all the way (which happens) so he had gotten an infection~just need some antibiotic to fix him up and get that infection out.  He needed to ozze to get the ickies out.  lol

So today I sit, Monday, Nov. 26, 2012 with a semi normal furry lover.  He still isn't back up to weight but that will take some time.  He finally is starting to act like a cat again~playing with his little bird toy that chirps.  lol  I find him laying with the 2 youngest girls in the morning (which they all love)  He is getting to feel better and we are fighting his infection full core~I have a strong fighter in this boy!!  When I think about how many times I should have lost him in this whole ordeal I am grateful for what health he does have.

Updated AGAIN!!

So my boy has gotten him self into a pickle again!!  lol  We have more to add to the story of my furry little lover as today he under went his 4th surgery.  :(  Last posted he had just had his 2nd surgery for the pancreatitis~well.....after his infection and the antibiotics he slowly (we thought) began to heal.  I noticed that he had a rather large sized lump in his incision~not normal but I was thinking it might have been scar tissue??  But when Squeeky started to vomit again I once again loaded him up to take him to the dreaded vet's office.  In one of the piles of vomit I had noticed that there were some of the needles of the FAKE Christmas tree~I know that cat's have tendencies to eat them and thought that with him vomiting them out he was good to go.  Well I picked him up on Thursday and his lump seemed larger than usual~and he seemed very tender to the touch.  So off we went...when we arrived we took him back to be seen and the vet's all seemed kinda stumped.  Not sure of what the lump might be~I seen 3 vet's come in and talked to them~each of them calling in a new set of eyes.  I'll tell you it's  not to refreshing to have so many professionals not quite sure what is going on with your pet.  They all came to the similar conclusion~something had grown where it didn't belong~surgery was needed to check this lump out.

So since he had thrown up right before coming he was on empty and surgery was set for the afternoon.  I received a phone call a little bit after 3:00 p.m. letting me know that surgery was over.  Things had been a little bit more complicated than originally thought~that lump turned out to be his small intestine that was growing between his muscle wall and his outer skin. (not where it should be!)  Also the reason it started causing him problems was because it was jam packed full of the little fake needles from the Christmas tree!!  So he needed to have 4-5 inches of his small intestine removed and the remainder sewed back together.

While they were digging around in his guts they discovered that when he had his last infection it halted the healing process allowing for the intestine to slip between the 2 walls and once the healing started slowly again he healed around it.  He also had many small dry puss pockets in his body~assumed left over from his pancreatitis.  No one is sure what exactly has gone on with him, he is a wonder.  lol  I ask a million questions while I am in the office~so I know what to expect and watch for.  Noticed that he was leaking a pinkish fluid from his incision~so loaded him back up to see what this might be~I didn't want to chance another infection.  Talked to the vet and she said that it was just fluid that had built up.  so took him back home.  Now that takes us to today.....had taken him in to the vet yesterday for his stitches to be removed~very routine~but while we were there I wanted them to look at a few lumps he had developed on his incision again.  So the vet takes him out of his carrier and holds him up and feels his belly.....he shakes his head......I have seen this look before...:(  the vet thought it was most likely the same thing where the intestine had grown between the walls again.......so surgery was set for today.  But I just got off the phone with the vet......turns out there will be no 4th surgery.  Least not today!!  lol  As they were prepping him (scrubbing him down) they noticed that he was leaking some fluid.  So they inserted a needle into the lump and drained out what looked the color of straw fluid~which made the lumps disappear~they will culture the fluid to see if any bacteria is present and that will be ready in the morning.  Which is perfect because he will be ready to come home in the morning.  I am so ready for Mr. Squeeky to be a healthy boy again~lay on my feet as I sleep.....cuddle when we lay on the couch.......

 

The journey of Grace.......

I'm not really sure where to start in this journey, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I will warn you that if you cry easily then you should probably not finish reading this~that being said I would also like to say, I realize that there are many mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters who have gone down the same road as I am about to share with you.  I know many others understand this journey and I am not trying to get sympathy or take away/remind you of any (possible) moments in your own journey.  Just want to share the miracle that happened to us.

I remember my husband coming home after taking our taxes in to be done and telling me that his tax preparation gal had told him that one more child would get us a bigger return.  Well......who's not in for more money~after all, we only had 2 girls at that time~why not?!  So that night in March we threw caution to the wind and well........miracle #1~we were pregnant.  I'm not one of those gals that gets sick so all went very smooth~until we had our retuine untrasound at 20 weeks~when they did the scan of the babies kidneys they had found that there was a problem.  One of her kidneys looked different~they called it a renal pelves.  Nothing could be done with it~just time to tell~at that stage in her development things could still grow~and the doctor assuered me that it might have been the scaning equipment as well was not picking up things correctly.  So it was a waiting game.  She would need a ultrasound after birth to check on the development of things.   Later that same year in September~it was a Monday night (WWE Wresting was on) I took a nice hot bath~well....not a great plan.  lol  When I got down stairs and went to settle into my spot on the couch I twisted my leg to sit and out pooped my knee cap.  I started to cry/scream as my husband sat watching wrestling a few feet away~once her realized that something was wrong we tried to get me moved so my knee might go back into place.  No such luck, but luck would have it that my doctor only lived a few blocks away~not so lucky was the fact that he was on ER duty that night!!  So we call 911 and had an ambulance come pick my very pregnate self up and take me to the doctor.  It became a emergancy when I could no longer feel my foot~when my knee cap went out it pinched other nerves~including the one to my foot~as I started turning blue the EMT's made the call to get me in ASAP.  Longest ride across town with bumpy side streets!!  lol  Once there I saw my doctor~long story short they gave me enough meds to put down a elephant (I have a very high pain tolerence) and grabbed my leg and yanked and there we went back into place.  :)  So I had to take it easy~the extra weight was not easy on my knee~and the fact that I had a 2 year old and was a stay at home mom made it impossible.  The rest of my pregnancy went smooth until October 28th.

It was1:10 a.m.~it was a Saturday morning,(3 of my 4 girls were born on Saturdays!?) when I was sleeping in bed and BAM....my water broke.  I was 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant~this was too early and I knew it.  I went down to the bathroom to make sure it wasn't jsut me having "issues"  So I walked around the house and petted the cat for the next 50 minutes until I began to feel some contractions.  I knew this was the real deal so it was time to start making plans for the kiddo's.  Woke the husband up~who thought I was joking!!  Called my dad who was of course sleeping~went into the hospital where he later met us.  It was a very loooong process compared to my 2 prior births. (6 hours each) We stalled out at 7 cm. for a long while and after hours of walking down the hall way it was no use.  I begged for them to just do a C-section but they knew that's not what I wanted.  So we just took a break and let me rest~now the entire time durning this labor I had spiked a fever which in it's self was an issue.  I was given high doses of Tylenol to help bring it down.  After 15 hours of labor (drug FREE) my Grace Lynne was finally born at 4:23 p.m.(the doctor joked that her name should be Patience)~she was a good sized baby for 37 weeks~but I was terrified that there was something wrong with her~she didn't cry when she was born.  They cleaned her mouth out with suction and she started to whimper a bit~which made me feel a little better.  They came over and handed me this perfect little girl with huge big blue eyes and I selflessly handed her to my husband~I thought I would have all night with this little angel.  lol  They gave him a minute then took her to the nursery for testing.  They said they would clean her and bring her back within the hour.  Well~that hour took several and the doctor finally came back in and explained that she would be spending some time under the oxgyen hood~she was having a very hard time breathing.  She wasn't able to keep her lungs open when she breathed~they stuck together like a wet balloon so they were ginving her extra oxgyen to help inflate them.  They also were trying to get a central iv in to give her antibotic's in fear that my temp. was the sign of an infection.  They were having no success with the iv ~finally they were able to get on in her umbilical cord.  By this time my family and husband had gone home leaving me a sobbing mess in my room.  Around midnight the nurse came in with a wheelchair and took me to see my angel.  It was one of the scarest things I had seen~but little did I know it by far wasn't the worst in this journey.  She was perfect in every other sense~had brown hair~perfect little fingers and toes~I could look past the iv's and little bubble her head was under~she was PERFECT to me.  After an hour the nurse made me go back in my room for some sleep~afterall it was 24 hours that I had been awake.  She was fairly certain that things would be looking up in the morning~but there was a small chance that she would need to be taken to a larger hospital that could handle things better.  I went to sleep that night praying so hard that things would look up.

No one even checked in on me that night~if they did I slept through it.  lol  I woke up in the morning with a renewed mind~took a shower and got dressed and put my makeup on.  Feeling like the day was already better.  The nurse came in the room and asked me if my doctor had been into talk to me about the transfer yet.  I was confused.......I asked her what she meant and she quickly paged the doctor.  When he came into the room I could feel something was up~he explained to me that things weren't improving the way they would like so they had talked to a neighboring hospital and they were sending an ambulance to get Grace and take her there for further care.  Now mind you I was again alone~tried to call my husband and he had taken the girls out for breakfast~my dad wasn't answering the phone.  My step-sister came to visit~as she walked into the room she saw me crying and knew something was wrong.  I just kept saying that they are taking her away.  I remember standing in the nursery by her side in the incubator waiting for them to come~numb to what was happening.  When the team walked through the door it became real.  They hooked and unhooked machines up as I stood there sobbing~my heart was breaking~this was not supposed to happen.  They took her away, I stood and watched them go down the hallway until I couldn't see anymore shadows.  I was taken back to my room where I broke down.  My husband finally came in and I filled him in on what was going on~my sister had talked to my dad so everyone was filled in.  The doctor had come in and out explaining to us what was happening~I pretty much had made up my mind that I was not staying in the hospital without her~I was leaving.  They didn't object~after lunch we were checked out and on our way to tell our parents the plan.

We first went to my parents house then we went to my in-laws and let them know~we made plans with them to come to the hospital to visit with her. We didn't know for sure that she was going to be ok~we wanting everyone to meet her while they still could.  We arrived at the hospital at 4:00 p.m. to see Grace for really the first time.  At that time she had a c-pap in her nose to help her breathe~she was now breathing too fast which they needed to slow down.  There was a strange calm while we were there~although I later learned that while I visited her breathing became faster than when I was out of the room.  We went home late that night~I cried the entire hour ride home~watching the smoke stacks until they were no longer visible.  As we walked in the door the phone ran~it was the NICU where she was at~things took a turn for the worst and she had been put on the ventilator.  We had been given the number to call the NICU so the first thing in the morning we called to get updates which I have all written down and in her baby book.  (some of her updates)

Oct. 30~9:00 am ~ holding stable
9:00 p.m. ~had turned down the vent. but not responding so turned back up

 October 31~Halloween  9:00 am improving
1:00 pm~ visited~under oxygen hood~eating 2 ml every 4 hours through an iv that ran through her nose into her stomach.  Under belli lights for jaundice
7:30 pm ~oxygen at 35% eating 2-3 ml every 4 hours

Nov. 1  9:00 am~removed umbilical iv~2-3 ml every 4 hours, oxygen at 30%
4:30 pm~visited oxygen at 29%~iv moved to the side of head
10:00 pm~jaundice level down~holding stable

Nov. 2  9:00 am~oxygen at 28%
4:00 pm~visited GOT TO HOLD!!!!  oxygen at 27%
10:00 pm~holding stable

Nov. 3 8:00 am~off oxygen!!  increased feeding to almost 1 ounce
6:00 pm~visited~under belli lights for jaundice~feeding 35 ml. every 3 hours weighs 6 pounds, 12 ounces~GOT TO HOLD~got a hat and 1 sock

Nov. 4 8:00 am~holding stable
12:00 noon~visited with my dad and Ann~came off belli lights~eating 47 ml by nipple feeding
7:30 pm~visited~Mom held
9:00 pm~ate 40 ml ~sleeping

Nov. 5  8:30 am~no more belli lights weights 6 pounds 13 ounces
5:00 pm~visited~at 51 ml by nipple fed by Mom, Mom changed dirty diaper~GOT TO HOLD!!
10:15 pm~at 55 ml by nipple~nose tube got removed~maybe moved to big crib

Nov. 6  8:30 am~ate good at feeding~still in same bed
2:30 pm~visited~at 65 ml by nipple~lost a little weight~still has 2 days of antibiotic
10:15 pm~at 75 ml. by nipple~maybe home Tuesday??

Nov. 7  8:30 am~60-70 ml feelings, lost 20 grams~moved to regular nursery!!
10:30 am~Dr. Little called~possibility of going home~ate 7 times yesterday~iv antibiotics done
3:00 pm~visited with my dad and Sam to see if going home~decided to stay longer to eat more regular~ate 51ml~fed by mom
8:30 pm~visited with husband~got to take to a room and hold and feed!!

Nov. 8  9:30 am~ Not able to go home today~not maintaining body temp.~put in a heating bed to stay warm

Nov. 9 8:30 am~ moved out of warming bed to regular bed~body temp normal~eating 60-70 ml at feeding~possibility of going home tomorrow
4:30 pm~visited with girls~got to take to room~fed by Mom~changed wet diaper

Nov. 10 10:00am~called to check normal stats and the nurse said she had been discharged~COME GET HER!!!  Drove over with my dad and Sam and the girls (snow storm that day)
2:00 pm~visited Grandma Walters~went home for the first time!!  <3

The day we went over to get her there was a huge snow storm~my dad had a large truck that he drove over very slowly~the roads were very slick.  The hospital said she could stay longer but there was no way they were keeping her any longer than they needed!!  The drive home took over 2 hours but it was with my 3 girls so time seemed to stand still int he first place.  The first person we visited when we got back to Osage was my grandma~Grace was named after my Great Grandma Grace Bean so I thought it was only fitting for them to meet!!  The next days after Grace came home were quite and we had a steady flow of visitors.

The next few months flew by~we did have a repeat ultrasound of her kidneys which turned out to be nothing to worry about!!  The doctors in the NICU told us that Grace would need her hearing tested every 6 months for the first 3 years of her life because she was in the NICU for longer than most babies her age.  There was a chance with her being on the ventilator damage could have been done to her ears.  We went faithfully every 6 months and never had any issues.  :)

When Grace was 4 months old she got sick with big people equivalent of the flu called RSV and was hospitalized for 2 days.  :(  again was a hard time seeing her so small and helpless~the iv's didn't take~her tiny veins would blow and they couldn't get them to stay in!!  But she surprised them all and was a quick healer.  It was also at a 4 month check up that I discovered that Grace would be a BIG SISTER!!!  :0

Even though we have to what seems like Hell and back with Grace I would never change any moment of her past!!  Having gone through all of it has made me love and cherish my family more than I ever knew possible.  There is never any guarantee that everything will work out perfect~we can hope and pray and sometimes it does.

Today Grace is a healthy, happy almost 6 year old!!  As her birthday approaches I dread the feelings it brings up but remember without all of those things we wouldn't be here now!!  Grace is a very caring loving little girl~loves monkeys.  The only possible side-affect we have seen is her speech~not sure if it's a connections~hard to tell but she has been working with a wonderful speech teacher for 2 years now and is going strong and improving every day!!

Patience is a virtue, virtue is a Grace, Grace is a little girl who wouldn't wash her face.

On a whim.....

I'm sure everyone does things on a whim.....something that you have been thinking about doing, always wanted to do but always seem to chicken out?!  Well.....I have always wanted to donate my hair to the Locks of Love program.  With the thousands of men and women fighting cancer it only felt like the thing to do.

I had my breast exam yesterday~thankfully everything went perfect~although the doctor was less than thrilled to see such a young woman in the office.  I explained my history and she saw the relevance in my presence there but was just unnerved.  I had no problem being there~it is my life and my breasts that we are talking about!!  lol  I even got a very yummy sugar cookie!!  But as I sat in the waiting room across from me was a older woman with a scarf wrapped neatly around her head.  I would assume~maybe not~but she had been undergoing some sort of treatment.  I had talked to a very sweet woman a month or so back that had undergone breast cancer treatments and had lost her hair.  She made comments that my hair was so very pretty~I didn't think anything about it but thanked her.  She continued to tell me about how her hair used to be and how her grand daughter questioned the hats she wore.  I could only imange.  My hair was my shelter~my something to hide behind.  It was easy to cover myself.  So as I sat yesterday watching this woman, I noticed that she kept touching her head and decreatly glance out of the corner of her eye at me.  Not sure what intrigued her with me but it made me stop and think.  Was her hair once flowing down her body~what color was is once??  And as I logged onto Facebook this morning and saw yet another friend had donated her hair I thought this was it~today is my day.  I summoned every ounce of courage in my body and dialed the phone number to the hair salon.  My heart was racing and fingers shaking~the young gal answered the phone.  She wanted to know when I would like to come in~RIGHT NOW!!  lol  Before I chicken out!!  Right after I picked my youngest up for preschool~perfect!!  I had someone to destract me!!  :)  Long story short (no pun intended) I went into the building with long hair and came out with short hair.  No tears even. 

Before my cut~my hair has always had red undertones

 in it.

After the cut and a new color.  :)

I can't help but think that my security that I have held so tightly onto for the past 5 years will help someone else with their own insecurity.  I know that I can make a huge difference in someones life who is battling cancer but I hope I can change someone's day~make them smile for even one second.  That is my hope.

Just Me!!

So I just had my (last ever) birthday on Tuesday~turned 31!!  :)  So I thought maybe I should do a list of 31 things about me~might take me a little time to think on this one so bear with me!!  lol

1.  I was born and raised in Mitchell County~in Osage, IA.  Only moved from my childhood farm to the current house that I am living in.

2.  I grew up with one biological brother~whom used to punch me in the face just to see what color the blood was!!  (might be reason to understand how I have developed such a high pain tolerance!)

3.  I have 2 step sisters and 1 step brother.  When my parents got divorced the sisters and I were besties and thought it would be so awesome to be sisters~kinda wishful thinking that we "set up" our parents~pretty sure we didn't have much to do with that!!  ;)

4.  I grew up on a farm surrounded with horses, chickens, ducks, occasional cow, goat or pig here and there!

5.  I love to read when I have the time~usually a magazine type of person now that I am "grown" but did finish the 50 Shades series~LOVE THEM!!

6.  When I was growing up my dream was to become a veterinarian~love to help out on the farm with the animals~helped castrate my horse once and sew a prolapse on a pig!!  lol

7.  My love of animals grew on in my children as 3 of the 4 want to go into a field dealing with animals~Tessa wants to be a rock star!!

8.  My favorite color is purple~my kitchen walls reflect my love of the color~have accents of purple all over the house.  At one point I even had a purple car~until I found out I was pregnant with Tessa~too many kids for a little car (no one wanted to ride in the trunk)

9.  I am addicted to Facebook~I spend a lot of time on there~love to see what is happening in the world!!  Love to catch up with friends and it's also a great place to catch freebies!!

10.  Freebies are my way of life~gotta love coupons!!  I am a tight wad~save $$ where you can!!

11.  As with a favorite color there is always a color we despise~mine happens to be yellow~look at a yellow marker~when you cross over another color the tip gets all icky then it's ruined~never colors the same.  (my dad recently found is aversion to the color yellow while drawing on the dry erase board at work!!)

12.  I hate going under an overpass on the road~with the size of the trucks or trains over head it's only a matter of time when something goes boom!!  :(

13.  I love to write~hence the blog~in school I loved English class (the teacher in his Levi's didn't hurt) love to be able to express my words on paper.

14.  I love to craft~sewing is an outlet for me~being creative is my way of screaming at the top of my lungs without actually having to scream!!

15.  Family is very important to me~without family where would you be??  For a while my family didn't have the annual Christmas/Thanksgiving~so my step-sister and I decided that it was a must!!  We try to get together a few times a year.

16.  In my family (including the step kids) there are a total of 5 kids~15 little kids.  That turns into a lot of people~hence the other reason we had to add on to our house!!  lol

17.  Within those 15 little kiddo's there are 4 girls who are all with in 9 months apart!!  Hannah, Jessica, Allison and Madeline.  When those girls get together it's like no one else in the world even exists!!  But that's what cousins do.

18.  Favorite food would have to be any fruit in general~love watermelon and strawberries!!

19.  I have very few friends~I mean TRUE friends.  The ones that have stuck around through a lot of stuff!!! Vanessa, Jamie and Morgan would have to be it!!  Then there are newly acquired friends~whom I am still building with!!

20.  I am thinking right now thank god I'm not 40 or 50~cause this is harder than I thought it would be!!  lol

21.  I would love to sky dive someday!!  I think the thrill of free falling would be awesome~if I don't pee my pants on the way down.

22.  Family traditions are also important to me~there is a plate that hung over the kitchen/bathroom door when I lived at home~it said "I'm not a slow cook~I'm not a fast cook~I'm a half fast cook" When I moved out I took that plate and you probably guessed it~it hangs over my kitchen door.  :)

23.  Every Christmas my grandma, my mom and I would make sugar cookies at my grandma's house.  With her recipe~I still make those cookies with the very same recipe with my girls.  It was one time that I felt whole and it was a great memory which I hope to pass on to my girls.  And who doesn't love to smother things in sprinkles!!

24.  I was a cheerleader in High school~from 8th grade to 11th grade~only quite because I had a baby and didn't have the time to commit.  While~that same baby I was pregnant with decided this year to become a cheerleader!!  She must have absorbed some of the cheer in-uturo??  lol

25.  I weigh in at a whole soaking wet 123 pounds~probably the least I have weighed since high school~before kiddos.  Not that weight matters to me~I used to be a little heavy for my frame size after having babies~tried to work out and it just wasn't my thing.  lol  Not fond of sweating!!  So I finally become to realize it's not your size that you need to be happy with~it's YOU!!  You can't change the you on the inside and until the you on the inside is happy then the you on the outside!!

26.  I have never voted~I know I should but I just don't care!!  lol  I hate to follow everyone around listening to the promise of changing something that really they don't have much control over!!  And in return for not voting I don't complain about the choices and decisions that the law makers make.  If I don't have a hand in voting then I don't have the right to complain!!

27.  I am a true and loyal friend ~kinda sound like a dog!!  lol  I will go to bat for my friends~I have been slammed in the past several times for sticking up for a friend.  I generally don't have the whole story when I butt in but if your dissin' my friend you have to take on an army!!

28.  I met my husband when I was 16~he had dated a friend of mine and when they broke up he decided to move on to the next friend!!  lol  No~that's not how it really worked.  Ya know when your friend has a boyfriend and they break up and you think he's crushin' on you but you don't want to intrude~after all she is your friend (bro's before hoes?)  Well actually we grew up together and him and his brother used to come over to my house~our dad's knew each other.  :)  I was the icky girl with cooties then!!

29.  That same boyfriend (only the 4th I had) became my husband~never even held hands with anyone else.  :)

30.  That very same boyfriend (now husband) got me pregnant at the age of 17!!  Would I change that now........well........just kidding!!  NO!!  I am a firm believer that your past shapes who you are, your past is there for a reason.  It might not always be a reason that you understand or even like but it shapes who you are.  You change and develop according to your past.

31.  I LOVE MY LIFE!!  As stated above~would I change anything.......maybe.  There are always relationships that you wish had gone smoother or some that you wish weren't even part of your life.  But you have to take what lies in the road.  Life is not meant to be easy~there are supposed to be bumps and holes in the road.  :)  I have learned to love myself and not care so much about what others think about you.  I grew up being teased by some horrible people~they used to call me Monkey Girl and throw banana's at me.  When I got pregnant they said my brother was the daddy because no one else would want me.  I now realize that those people had some deep issues~I really hope they work through those before they decide to repopulate!!  But it's the past that makes us who we are~without those people I would not be as strong as I am today!!  I would like to thank those idiots for their actions~but ~say that to me now and you'll get your ass kicked!!  :)

Well.......31 is here~and actually I think I could be 40-50!!  Once you start going it's pretty easy to think of more.  Sorry if I bored you somewhere along the way!!  lol  I'm sure I've missed all of your birthday's along this ride~but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

feel free to leave comments for me!!  :)

Getting the Titty Check

So October is Breast Cancer Awareness month......and as women's (and even men's) duty I believe that everyone should get a breast exam or mammogram.  I will be turning 31 years old in a few short days and I just scheduled my first exam.  You see I have history on both sides of my family of breast cancer~my maternal grandmother, Mildred North had it when she was older in life.  Breast cancer also hits my paternal side of the family in 2 of my Aunts.  Not sure on the ages of them~but they must have been in their mid 40's-50's.  I remember when my Aunt Sandy was going through her treatments and she lost all of her hair~she wore a hat all of the time.  Then she bravely decided no more~my dad used to call her Uncle Fester from the Aadams Family!!  lol  (nice brother!)

It's difficult to see so many strong women fall and be halted by such a overcoming illness.  There are woman in the community that I live in that have been touched by cancer and have lived to tell their story.  One woman even decided to fight back so hard that she developed a Relay For Life team called the "Fighting Flamingo's"  The fun part of this group is they raise money for the team by "flocking"  It is such a sight to see as well.  You see the term "flocking" is just what it seems.......it's a flock of PINK FLAMINGO'S!!  They get donations from people to litter peoples lawns with those cute little stick in the ground pink birdies~when they wake up in the morning and to their surprise they have a army of pink flamingo's.  I think it's a great way to show some fun while still supporting a great cause.  I recently joined the Fighting Flamingo's team~haven't had the pleasure to flock anyone yet but someday my day will come!!  lol

The thing about breast cancer is that it doesn't discriminate~it doesn't care if you are black, white, green or purple.  Thick, thin or in between~it just doesn't give a damn~(if only other people could be as "caring" as cancer.)

Some facts to chew on about Breast Cancer:

• New cases: 226,870 (female); 2,190 (male)
• Deaths: 39,510 (female); 410 (male)
• it's the No. 2 cause of cancer death in women (second only to lung cancer)
• Some of the factors associated with breast cancer -- being a woman, your age, and your genetics, for example -- can't be changed. Other factors -- maintaining a healthy weight, exercising, smoking cigarettes,  and eating nutritious food -- can be changed by making choices. By choosing the healthiest lifestyle options possible, you can empower yourself and make sure your breast cancer risk is as low as possible.
• about 1 out of 8 invasive breast cancers develop in women younger than 45. About 2 out of 3 invasive breast cancers are found in women 55 or older.
• Women with close relatives who've been diagnosed with breast cancer have a higher risk of developing the disease.

  If you've had one first-degree female relative (sister, mother, daughter) diagnosed with breast cancer, your risk is doubled. If two first-degree relatives have been diagnosed, your risk is 5 times higher than average.
  If your brother or father have been diagnosed with breast cancer, your risk is higher, though researchers aren't sure how much higher.
  In some cases, a strong family history of breast cancer is linked to having an abnormal gene associated with a high risk of breast cancer, such as the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene. In other cases, an abnormal CHEK2 gene may play a role in developing breast cancer.
  *About 5% to 10% of breast cancers are thought to be hereditary, caused by abnormal genes passed from parent to child.
  *Breastfeeding can lower breast cancer risk, especially if a woman breastfeeds for longer than 1 year. There is less benefit for women who breastfeed for less than a year, which is more typical for women living in countries such as the United States. There are several reasons why breastfeeding protects breast health:
  

  • making milk 24/7 limits breast cells' ability to misbehave
  • most women have fewer menstrual cycles when they're breastfeeding (added to the 9 missed periods during pregnancy) resulting in lower estrogen levels
  • many women tend to eat more nutritious foods and follow healthier lifestyles (limit smoking and alcohol use) while breastfeeding
    

There are hundreds more facts on breast cancer~I found many of these with many more at http://www.breastcancer.org/

Case in point of this particular blog entry is to take care of yourself.  If not for you then  for your family.  I know I look at my 4 girls and want to be there for them when they walk down the isle (in many, many years!)  I want to be with my husband till we are both old, grey and wrinkly!! lol  As a woman it's our job to keep healthy so we can someday take over the world!!  :)

My baby turns 5

Another birthday in the house~this one is bitter sweet~my "baby" is turning 5!!  It seems like just yesterday I was in the doctor's office....I will take you back.....

It was Grace's 4 month well baby check up~the weight check and all the goodies.  She had been admitted not too long ago with RSV so we had to keep tabs on her weight~anyway...I had been asking the doctor some personal questions about my cycle returning.  He looked at me like I was an purple people eater when I asked why my cycle had not returned after 4 months.  He was the doctor~I was asking him!!  He went through a check list of questions and looked at me once more~asking me if there was any possible way that I could be pregnant.  I for a moment thought NO WAY, but I remembered this 1 time that Grace had fallen asleep...;)  I said I guess there is always a possibility~but it was only once so probably not.  So on his last attempt to find out the culprit to my missing cycle we ran a pregnancy test.  He was gone from the office for what seemed like an eternity~when he returned he extended his hand and told me "congratulations~your pregnant!"  I'm sure I turned every shade of white because he kept asking me if I was feeling alright~I actually wanted to throw up right there!!  How was I going to explain going to my BABIES 4 month check up and finding out that I was pregnant??  So we tallied back to the one time and discovered that I was 2 months pregnant.  Talk about a shock~I am one of those lucky pregnant ladies with no sickness so there was no signs of pregnancy~maybe being tired but I had a newborn!!  I remember thinking that my body had betrayed me~wasn't it supposed to protect me from this?? I didn't breast feed but still~I never knew that you could get pregnant that soon after having a baby!!

So I tottled home in complete shock~what was I going to tell my husband??  My dad??  My friends??  My in-laws??  Well.....my husband didn't believe me at first~he had the same reaction, my dad was worried about the toll it would take on me being pregnant again so quickly.  I have to admit~during those times I had horrible thoughts~~at one point I prayed that I would miscarry (and I have lost a pregnancy in the past) and I knew that it was a horrible thought to have but 2 babies in a year~not even a year~11 months!!  Looking back now I can see that I was suffering from postpartum depression but at the time it just seemed like the only answer.  Well....when the 3 month safety net came upon us and the little peanut was still living in it's nice cozy womb I began to realize that we were having this baby wither I liked it or not.  As time moved on and that baby began to move and kick I fell in absolute love~the ultrasounds could not come soon enough.  I was considered high risk because of the pregnancies being so close together, so I got to see the doctor's office quite a bit~not to mention that I still had an infant that had check up's.  lol   The nurses in the office were taking bets on when I would deliver~I delivered at 37 weeks with Grace (story to be told in about a month) so they really didn't think I would carry to term.  But I walked in carrying my 11 month old on the date I was due and the doctor checked me and I was dilated and looking good~so he asked if I was ready to meet this little peanut~that was hugely strange to me to be induced as with my 3 other deliveries my water had broke~my children decided their own birthday.  And here I was deciding when this little girl was coming into the world.  I told the doctor that would be great~just needed to get a sitter for the kids and get my husband home and we would be set.

So with everything in it's place we walked into the the hospital ready to deliver the little surprise.  I was terrified~everyone has always said that inductions are terrible~I am living proof to tell you they really aren't that bad!!  lol  From the time I walked into the hospital and the moment little Miss Tessa was welcomed into this world it was 4 hours!!!  The moment I held that beautiful baby girl I fell in love~she had a full head of black hair and was perfect!!  I cried thinking that I had prayed for this to never exist~so in that moment I was greatful that God had not listened to me.  Sure there were up's and down's to having your babies 11 months apart~but I would never change it.  Tessa was there for Grace's 1st birthday (not that she remembers)~they have always been close.  They could finish each others sentences~they just clicked the moment she was born~it was like the piece to Grace's puzzle was finally put in.

Everywhere we went people asked if they were twins~they were almost the same size~I have chunky babies once they start eating.  lol  Many people offered their stories of close knit babies and I began to realize that I was part of an unspoken club of mothers who are crazy enough to have babies that close.  I was called super women a lot~to have a 8 year old. a 3 year old, an 11 month old and a newborn.  Maybe I was~but I would never change my past.  <3