Over whelming tears

Have you every had one of those days that your so happy to see the sun set??  And not because it was a horrible day but just because you are emotionally spent??  I think my yesterday was that way.  lol  Always something going on in my busy little head~thoughts are always swirling around~bouncing back and forth.  But when everyone had gone to bed and I had a few quite moments where the only voices I heard were my own I was just spent.  I stood looking in the mirror and tears streamed down my cheeks.......and there was no reason for these tears.  They just all built up and poured down my hot cheeks~as I stood there in the mirror and just let the gaits open I was surprised to see how good it felt to just break down........I read this on Facebook and thought it was fitting: 
     Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. 

I can say that is mainly true in my world.  I care too much about what people think of me~why do you think I put on such a "put together" outside look??  I am insecure on the inside hoping that if people see someone who is put together on the outside they might not see the blubbering mess on the inside.  I wish I could be a throw on a pair of jeans and go mom~but the truth is I am materialistic~I care what other people think.  I would give my left arm to help out a friend~but would never ask for any help in return~afraid of being rejected.  I am a fragile messed up gal.......people who love me have no idea who the real me is on the inside.  I do think the hardest words and the ones I have spoken the least in my life are " I love you", "I'm sorry", and "Help me."  The fear of rejection is always there in my mind.

So sometimes I think that just sitting down and having a good old fashion eye rubbin' cry fest is the way to go.  I generally try to have those moments in the shower so no one is around~but I guess when the moment hits you it just does.  Emotions are funny in the way they just don't care where you are~they just GO!!  I know I was sitting in church watching the my girls approach in angel costumes for the Christmas program and tears just over whelmed my entire body, there was no stopping them.  I had no idea as to why at that very moment in CHURCH I was crying as my girls sang but it was a moment.  

Not sure if my post yesterday was the reasons behind my tears last night~could have been~fear takes over our bodies and just builds up until we release it.  For me it's either screaming or crying.  lol  I would like to take a personal moment and thank each and everyone of you who take the time out of your lives and read my nonsense!!  Writing for me is a release~a way to let it all go.  Not that it's going to take me anywhere but I hope that even if you take one tiny thing away as you go~I hope that you at least think about your life.  Think about the last time you just let go.....I need to do that more.  I need to just let go and have faith that someone somewhere will catch me........or I will fall.  And even if I fall I promise you that I will get back up and dust myself off and walk on.  Nothing can keep me down.

Choices

Life is full of choices........each choice you make determines every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year of our lives. Make sure when you make that choice it's something that you can live with and not regret. ♥  Many choices that we make we make on the fly~on an impulse you might say.  When you wake up in the morning you make a choice to open your eyes, a choice of which side of the bed to crawl out of, even something as simple as which leg to put into your pants first.  Many choices we make are easy~it just comes natural.  Other choices we make affect our entire lives~a choice that we make today might not fit our lives in 10 years.  I bring up this topic of choices after receiving a letter from my mom in the mail today.  To fill you in a little bit~my mom and I really don't have all that great of a relationship~my parents got divorced and she went one direction while I went another.  We drifted apart~gradually bumping into each other when there was time.  I was busy with school and she was learning how to live a life apart from my father.  Then one day she told me that she was moving away.......to Arkansas this time.  Being in my teens I thought I would be alright~looking back now I know that is the farthest thing from possible.  As my parents divorce wasn't a messy one I thought I was good with their choice.  But I guess in my heart I really wasn't~I went looking for attention in the wrong places and ended up pregnant.  Not going to blame my parents for my choice~because it was mine.  Anyways~my mom made a choice to move away and as a teen I never really understood that choice.  But as I became a parent myself I knew that I could never make a choice to leave my child.  When I was older and my daughter was 3 I made the choice to get married~my mom, dad and step parents were all at the wedding~that was the last time I saw my mom face to face.  It's been 11 years this year~for a time we talked on the phone for hours on end~I would say my mom was my best friend.  I truly miss those moments.  I gave birth to 3 beautiful daughters during that time~upon the birth of my 3rd who was sick my husband made a choice for me and made me write to my mom and tell her of her granddaughter.  I was too stubborn to make a choice for myself~well....I had made it~I didn't want anything to do with it.  I let my feelings go in that letter~it was my choice to finally let my mom know how I felt.  Needles to say it didn't go over very well~she wrote a letter in return telling me her side of things........which I needed to hear.  Many of the things I had written I wish I could have taken back~but once they leave my hand they are gone forever.  Today as I read her letter~she asked for some sort of return of affection.  I just don't know if I can.  I have spent endless hours of my time crying over things that I can not control.  Time that I wish had been spent together~my mom has never met 3 of my 4 girls.  She is searching for a family to accept her into theirs~she is hoping it's not too late.  Is it too late??  A choice made too little....too far out??  I'm not sure~I do know that my girls are more than excited to meet their grandma.....they are also longing for that missing piece.  I have always told my girls they can make their own choices~I can't stop them......but I can shield them and protect them the best that I can from those choices that I might not approve of.

You see to back up even more~the relationship between my mother and her mother was jagged.......she was a late mother~parenting in her 40's and then she lost her husband when my mom was 7 years old.  So she worked hard to provided everything for her family.  That was her choice.  I always thought my grandma was a strong woman~even though she was a very small frail woman.  When my mom spoke of her actions it was almost unrecognizable~I didn't see how she could have been that woman she spoke of.  But people have many sides to them....and that was one side I had never seen.  So I saw the relationship between my mom and grandma evaporate and I was watching the very same thing with my own with my mother.  I saw history repeating it's self~would this happen to me and my girls??  I was certain that it would if I didn't do something to stop it.  So I took a pledge to my mother~that I would never walk away from my children~EVER!!  I felt like she had walked away~I would never do that.

So I made the choice to talk to my girls about all relationships~good, bad, past and present.  They know.......even as I write this tonight I am second guessing my choices~I know that when (not if) my mom sees this she will be hurt~but I am making yet another choice.  Understand that even one bad choice that we make over 15 years ago affect everything......for many people involved.  I know that my personal relationships with many woman can not be built~I would rather deal with a man if I had the choice.  I have no valid relationship with any women~I am now just finally starting to let my guard down to a few select group of women I love to call my friends.  But still I have a hard time trusting.  I don't know if my relationship with my mom will ever be what it once was~but I need to dig down in my heart and see where I want this to go.  Do I lover her~of course I do........just don't think that I should have to prove that.  I am one to give second chances~but I don't forgive and forget easily.  Being hurt HURTS.....trusting is hard when you have seen the road it might lead you down.  But we all must make choices~and my choice is to slowly TRY!! 
♥♥

I might be CrAzY!!

Some people might call me crazy....others might call me passionate for a cause......whatever you call me is totally fine with me.   You see I have always been the sort of person that when I find something that I absolutely love I put my entire heart and sole into it.  Now if that makes me crazy then so be it.  When I fall in  love I fall hard and  deep~to me that is the only way.  There are few things in life that we go crazy for anymore and I mean crazy in a good way.  lol  ;)



I know my number one has and always will be my family.  I have put in too many (wo)man hours to ever throw in the towel.  Now don't get me wrong~I do believe that divorces are sometimes necessary~my parents divorced when I was young, it was never one of those messy divorces.  They were just no longer in love the way they once were~and I admire the fact that they both realized that and didn't grow to hate each other.  I just don't want to end up that way~when I said forever that is exactly what I meant~FOREVER!!  Now there will always be times that I second guess  my self and any decision I have made~and I think that is completely normal for everyone to second guess them selves~especially on the really big life changing events.  But would I ever buy that magical time machine and jet back and change it~~ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

 I have also been known to be a bit crazy about my cat.........as much of a pain in the behind he has been he will always be my number one go to guy (as long as he is around)!!  I know that when I feel down he will come to me and snuggle~no questions asked~asking for nothing in return.  Now that is my dream man!!  ;)  He listens to my secrets and never spills a one........if he did I think we would move to Hollywood and pursue bigger dreams. 

But I have always been a firm believer that if you choose to take on the responsibility of a pet then you better be ready to take on everything that comes with them.  Never did I image that I would spend nearly the amount that I have on a CAT but I took on the choice to own him.  The moment he was born I fell in love with him just as I did with my own children.  The people that don't realize that,should be treated the exact way they treat their pets.  I have also been told that is the reason that people don't own a pet~they don't want to have to shell out the $$ to "fix" them or to go through the whole death plan with the kiddo's.  I can see if your child dislikes animals or has an allergy but to me it's all part of life.  Pets are the same as people~people are born into our lives and people exit our lives~not everything is meant to last forever.  I believe it's an important lesson for our children to learn!!  I know my kids 100% understand that things die~yes it hurts and you cry for weeks every time time you see their favorite toy but eventually it will be ok. 

When we put our 13 year old dog Ruger down in Dec. 2011 it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do~the girls had grown up with him~we got him when my oldest was 18 months old and the other girls were "born to him"  For weeks I laid on the couch and cried~was physically sick to my stomach at his loss~but today we have a wall of family pictures and he is top and center on that wall.  Every Christmas we top our Christmas tree with his purple collar with his name engraved on it~the girls always say he is our personal angel.

 Anyways~I am probably the most crazy about my kids.  I might only weigh 117 pounds but believe me that if you mess with one of my girls I will look like a 300 pound sumo coming after you!!  We unfortunately live in a day and age that it's fairly common for children to come up missing.  That has always been my biggest fear when I became a parent.  So I am probably a little bit over protective on that respect but with good reason.  As much as we would all love to think that we live on a perfect planet that is filled with all kind and loving people that is just not true.  Kids come up missing walking home from school, playing at a friends house and even at school~one of the safest places you can think of.  I have always known in my heart that I would die if something happened to one of my girls.  I would gladly trade places with one of them if God forbid something happened to them.  In my mind I have lived a full life and have experienced enough of the world to be able to die happy~as where my girls are just starting out their lives.......I want them to grow old (hopefully I will be around to watch them) but I would trade in the blink of an eye if need be.

 I learned that becoming a parent makes you a selfless person, the moment my first child was placed into my arms much of the world didn't matter anymore.  She was all that I saw, all that I wanted to see.  I wanted to wrap my arms around her and never let go~now that she's 13 I'm sure she would LOVE that!!  lol  And the more children that I had the more intense that feeling becomes.  You wonder where all that love will come from and how it will all fit into your heart~but somehow it just does.

A year ago when  local 7year old little girl was hit by a vehicle while boarding her school bus~my girls sent their love to the family.

I'm sure there are so many things that I am crazy or passionate about that I just can't think of right now that really seem to matter. lol  I love the color purple and seem to have it everywhere~a little bit obsessive one might say.  But some obsessions are good obsessions right??  ;)

Giving Back

It seems the older I get the more I have this burning desire to give back where I can.  In 2012 I had the pleasure of doing the MS Walk with a great group of friends, also I joined the Fighting Flamingo's which is a Relay For Life team that raises money for cancer research.  I didn't get to do as much with the Flamingo's as I would have liked to~actaully was only able to donate food for a bake sale.  lol  I also made the choice to donate my hair (which I already blogged about).  But you know there is always one cause that is near and dear to your heart~something that pulls you in.

I seem to have found that niche~I love to sew things (I'm a crafty ass!)  lol  Since my 3rd daughter was born early and spent time in the NICU I had the hair-brain idea to make rag quilts to donate.  Have I ever made a rag quilt??  NO!!  lol  But I had the one that was given to my daughter, Grace so I just took it from there.  I'm not really the type of girl to follow instructions in the first place so we're good!!  ;) I have a huge pile of fabric so I just began to pick out random fabric's that I thought worked well together.  I use snuggle fleece since it is mush softer and frays to make a adorable baby blanket.  So the sewing and cutting began and waalaa.....

I was lucky enough to have stumbled upon a sale at the fabric store that allowed me to purchase a lot of fabric for these adorable blankets.  So the creativity was running wild and the mass sewing began.....

So I rallied the troops that I could and set off to making as many blankets as I could over the next few weeks.  One of my oldest, best friends also had a little boy in the NICU (born the same age) and she took on the same task as I.  I contacted the NICU to make sure that we were able to donate them and that the blankets would be used.  The hospital was eager to accept them so we set our date for donation and prepped for delivery.

 Baby girl little whales...

                                        

                                                                            Love Grows......

                                         Grey Polka Dots........

Pink Buttons......

Purple Paisley.......









Blue Stars........

                                                                                                Baby Blue whales.....

Package of blankets ready to donate~each of them has a little card inclosed with some words of inspiration from someone who has been where these families are.

The crew who donated:  (Left to right)  Jamie Van Quathem, her son William  (almost 6 yrs, old), Allie (8 years old), Tessa (5 years old), Grace (6 years old), Haley (13 years old) and myself.

If anyone wants to check us out we are on Facebook~"For the Love of Grace"

https://www.facebook.com/pages/For-the-Love-of-Grace/106471102858690