Choices

Life is full of choices........each choice you make determines every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year of our lives. Make sure when you make that choice it's something that you can live with and not regret. ♥  Many choices that we make we make on the fly~on an impulse you might say.  When you wake up in the morning you make a choice to open your eyes, a choice of which side of the bed to crawl out of, even something as simple as which leg to put into your pants first.  Many choices we make are easy~it just comes natural.  Other choices we make affect our entire lives~a choice that we make today might not fit our lives in 10 years.  I bring up this topic of choices after receiving a letter from my mom in the mail today.  To fill you in a little bit~my mom and I really don't have all that great of a relationship~my parents got divorced and she went one direction while I went another.  We drifted apart~gradually bumping into each other when there was time.  I was busy with school and she was learning how to live a life apart from my father.  Then one day she told me that she was moving away.......to Arkansas this time.  Being in my teens I thought I would be alright~looking back now I know that is the farthest thing from possible.  As my parents divorce wasn't a messy one I thought I was good with their choice.  But I guess in my heart I really wasn't~I went looking for attention in the wrong places and ended up pregnant.  Not going to blame my parents for my choice~because it was mine.  Anyways~my mom made a choice to move away and as a teen I never really understood that choice.  But as I became a parent myself I knew that I could never make a choice to leave my child.  When I was older and my daughter was 3 I made the choice to get married~my mom, dad and step parents were all at the wedding~that was the last time I saw my mom face to face.  It's been 11 years this year~for a time we talked on the phone for hours on end~I would say my mom was my best friend.  I truly miss those moments.  I gave birth to 3 beautiful daughters during that time~upon the birth of my 3rd who was sick my husband made a choice for me and made me write to my mom and tell her of her granddaughter.  I was too stubborn to make a choice for myself~well....I had made it~I didn't want anything to do with it.  I let my feelings go in that letter~it was my choice to finally let my mom know how I felt.  Needles to say it didn't go over very well~she wrote a letter in return telling me her side of things........which I needed to hear.  Many of the things I had written I wish I could have taken back~but once they leave my hand they are gone forever.  Today as I read her letter~she asked for some sort of return of affection.  I just don't know if I can.  I have spent endless hours of my time crying over things that I can not control.  Time that I wish had been spent together~my mom has never met 3 of my 4 girls.  She is searching for a family to accept her into theirs~she is hoping it's not too late.  Is it too late??  A choice made too little....too far out??  I'm not sure~I do know that my girls are more than excited to meet their grandma.....they are also longing for that missing piece.  I have always told my girls they can make their own choices~I can't stop them......but I can shield them and protect them the best that I can from those choices that I might not approve of.

You see to back up even more~the relationship between my mother and her mother was jagged.......she was a late mother~parenting in her 40's and then she lost her husband when my mom was 7 years old.  So she worked hard to provided everything for her family.  That was her choice.  I always thought my grandma was a strong woman~even though she was a very small frail woman.  When my mom spoke of her actions it was almost unrecognizable~I didn't see how she could have been that woman she spoke of.  But people have many sides to them....and that was one side I had never seen.  So I saw the relationship between my mom and grandma evaporate and I was watching the very same thing with my own with my mother.  I saw history repeating it's self~would this happen to me and my girls??  I was certain that it would if I didn't do something to stop it.  So I took a pledge to my mother~that I would never walk away from my children~EVER!!  I felt like she had walked away~I would never do that.

So I made the choice to talk to my girls about all relationships~good, bad, past and present.  They know.......even as I write this tonight I am second guessing my choices~I know that when (not if) my mom sees this she will be hurt~but I am making yet another choice.  Understand that even one bad choice that we make over 15 years ago affect everything......for many people involved.  I know that my personal relationships with many woman can not be built~I would rather deal with a man if I had the choice.  I have no valid relationship with any women~I am now just finally starting to let my guard down to a few select group of women I love to call my friends.  But still I have a hard time trusting.  I don't know if my relationship with my mom will ever be what it once was~but I need to dig down in my heart and see where I want this to go.  Do I lover her~of course I do........just don't think that I should have to prove that.  I am one to give second chances~but I don't forgive and forget easily.  Being hurt HURTS.....trusting is hard when you have seen the road it might lead you down.  But we all must make choices~and my choice is to slowly TRY!! 
♥♥