Just Me.....

It's taken me most of my 32 years of my life to finally move on......move on from the life I had in high school.  I know high school is supposed to be a challenge, but I faced more challenges than I ever expected.  I was a cheerleader, had a passion for screaming and encouraging others I guess.  But those that I supported and tried to inspire were the ones that haunted me the most, the students.....  As I took stand in front of the crowd, belly full of butterflies, I faced the one thing that terrified me the most.  The names that would soon surface.....   See I was an easy target during high school, one that the "poplar" kids took advantage of.  They saw someone who did not fully understand themselves yet and decided to crush their spirit and soul before the beauty ever had a chance to surface.  As students chanted "monkey girl" and more joined in I felt like I wanted to melt into the gym floor and never resurface.  Holding tears back, building up inside of me, telling me that I was nothing.....

As a grown BEAUTIFUL woman today, I am encouraged almost daily that I am more than what I ever thought.  From friends and their kind words to building friendships with those I don't know all too well.  To hear that I am pretty or beautiful is odd to me.....but something that I must adjust my mind to believe.  Every person is beautiful in their own, God created each of us differently for a reason.  I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be.  My teeth are weird and I'm more of a nerd than most will ever realize.  ;)  But I am me, just me.....I am learning how to love myself for what I have.  Each day I become stronger, forgetting about those that cut and belittled me, but thanking them in the same token.  Without them I would have never discovered how strong I could be, out of necessity. As everyone is, I am a work in progress......:)

What we never say.....

Again it has been too long....time really gets away from me.  Kids are busy in activities and doing amazing.  Although my heart is heavy and semi burden this past week.  Not many people know what I am about to confess, it's something that we never say.....  This weeks marks an important landmark that would have been in my life.....in 2002, in the few short weeks before my husband and I got married I had not been feeling well.  We chalked it up to nerves about the upcoming adventure, and my best friend was also getting married so there was a lot on our plate.  I ate all the time, and then threw up......felt like sleeping all day long and not ever moving anywhere.  I know......you all are guessing already.  I'm not sure why I didn't guess the same, guess it just wasn't something I thought about in the midst of events.  It wasn't until I was at my friends wedding reception that someone mentioned "I bet you're pregnant"  Then it dawned on me......I bet I WAS!!  We rush to buy a test and sure enough 2 lines popped up and we were thrilled.  We didn't plan to tell anyone just yet, I wanted it to be the right moment.  I thought that the rehearsal dinner for our wedding would be perfect, all the important family members would be there.  But I have learned that not all things are meant to be......about 4 days before our impending wedding I started to cramp and bleed heavily.  Unfortunately I knew what was happening and I sat and cried, not for the never ending pain but for the loss that I never even knew I wanted.  This was not a planned pregnancy, as my first was not.  It's the surprise things that we never expected to happen that force you to feel within the moment.  I spent days on the couch, bottled up, forcing myself to smile and keep my eye on what the weekend held......our wedding.  The wedding went perfect, surrounded by our family and friends, but it was the missing things that hit my heart in a heavy way on the day.  My grandpa had passed away months before and now the child that we had never planned.  I knew there was a reason, but one that I would never understand.  I lashed out at God, hating him for taking this child from me.  I questioned my parenting, was I not the mother that He wanted me to be??  Was I being punished??

Soon after the wedding I went to the doctor to confirm what I already knew.  He ran the tests and congratulated me on a pregnancy.  I was so confused.  I explained the bleeding and cramping, he fully understood and wanted to run a weekly blood test to check the pregnancy hormone in my blood.  Each week the number went lower and lower, as I knew it would.  Meaning the pregnancy was gone.  Each time I left the office I sat in my car and cried, each time bringing back the memories of exactly what I had lost.  I can't explain the pain, it was never ending.  It was one of the hardest things in my life that I have ever had to endure.  At the time, as I still am, I was convinced this child that I carried for the 8 weeks or so of it's life was a boy.  My son, one that I will never hold, never see do the things that every mother dreams of......I will never know if my child was a boy or girl but a mother knows in her heart.  A son my husband would never have.....

As this year passed, I finally feel a sense of calm.  I would have been due with my child March 17, 2003.  As the date came and left my heart slowly begins to heal, I would have had a 11 year old in the crazy mix.  My mind wonders to the what if's and why's on random times....what would he have looked like, color of hair, eyes, tall or short....would he have liked tractors like his daddy, been obsessed with rodeo's and horses like his older sister??  Would he have been in football, baseball, basketball or wrestling....would he have wined when his little sister had dance competitions that he was bored...??  But I know that he is up in Heaven somewhere doing all of those things and that someday I will meet him, finally see what a handsome

man he is, how charming his personality is, just like his grandfather and father.  I know it will be too late to hold him but we will be together forever.

 The girls have never known about their "brother" until this past March.  It's so hard to explain things of this nature to children, they ask why......a question that even I can't explain.  I can only tell them the truth, we don't know why, we may never know why and I have to be okay with that.  And I slowly am, I have to be okay......it will always take time.  But I do believe in the strange ways of life, and talk about strange......2 of my best girlfriends have 9 boys among the 2 of them.......it's like it was meant to be.  I still have some of the chaos of a boy~just filtered that they can go home when it's too much.  lol  We all just have to take one day at a time, bad things happen in the past, and we have to be okay with that.  I know I am not the first woman to have lost a child, and I never claim to have more pain than anyone.  Just lost memories that I am slowly beginning to deal with, I have to see the light on the other side now.  Maybe God knew that I am too much girl for that one boy~so he blessed us with 4 girls.  But had that boy came, would the girls have followed as they did??  Would we have stopped with the perfect mix of 1 and 1??  I will never know that, and in some small way I'm perfectly happy with that.  I can't image my life without the chaos of dance and cheer-leading, makeup, boy talk and all of the silly little things. 

Becoming a parent

It's been WAY TOO LONG since I last blogged.  You guys should really get after me about that!!  ;)  So 2014.......hope it's been going well for all of you!!  With a new year comes resolutions that we all know will sooner rather than later be broken.  I never make them anymore~I make goals instead.  Goals to reach for, goals to climb my personal mountains to reach.  One goal that so many people have set for their lives is becoming a parent.  Parenting is one of the most challenging and yet rewarding thing ever.  You have the fun of trying to get pregnant, lol, the not so fun part of delivering that beautiful bundle, and the life long task of taking care of that precious cargo.  Yes babies are adorable, but they also have a long list of things that are not so cute about them.  Lets talk the screaming because you left the room, screaming just because I'm bored and I can, pooping in the most unconvenient places ever, throwing up, the list could go on and on........Unless you get one of those perfect models~yeah....what is that??!!  I love the time I had with my children as the grew, I would never change any of that for any amount of money you could possibly pay me.  But as my life is now~I actually like to sleep the entire night and enjoy not having to wipe anyone's checks but my own.  Once baby fever hits you it's pretty hard not to want to jump right in there. 

But many people seem to think that babies are disposable.  You just have one, raise it for a little while and then when your done you just walk away from it.  But what happens to the child, what is their life going to look like for the rest of it??  Having a baby is a life long commitment that you can't just decide one day, oh their cute so lets do this.  Children are here forever, or till death do us part.  They are put into our lives to teach us about ourselves and them as well.  I know my kiddo's have taught me how much stronger I can be when I need to.  I was a teen parent that succeeded where I needed to, we discovered we were pregnant with our second only to loose the pregnancy, which in turn make us contemplate when we wanted to add to our family.  So we fought long and hard to get pregnant with our second daughter, we threw caution to the wind with our third and discovered that something that came so easy might just be harder than you had originally thought.  Our last addition came as a complete shock to our family~but is just what we needed to complete us as a family.  I would never trade any of my girls (well........) The are life lessons, some that we may need to learn sooner than others.

Then there are the families that would love to add to their lives but for reason beyond any of us just can't.  That makes me look at the people who just because they can have babies.  So many children live the lives as someone door mat simply because they have no other choice, they are children.  As parents we promise to give our children all of the best things that we can, not saying money but love and understanding.  Any person can have sex and carry a baby~it takes someone with that special love and understanding to be a parent.  One of my best friends in the world has been hoping for a baby for such a long time.  I'm not going into details for their privacy.  :)  I have been by their side as much as I can and ache for them.  I know their desire and passion for children~and sit helpless at their side.  I would love to help them reach their dreams of their own little one, but what is there that I can do??  I have thought about carrying the child for them~but I know that would never work out as planned, I love too deep.  From the moment I felt my child move inside of me I loved them more than I can even describe.  I'm not sure how that would feel, carrying someone that you know you can never have a part of.......I really wish I could rewire my brain to think that way, if only it were that easy.  lol 

I guess I went on a pointless rant.......lol  kids will do that to you.  I just want to remind people to think about what they are getting into.  Babies are forever, till death do us part.

Hometown woes.....

As I live in the community where I was born, I have to say that there is a little shame within that small town.  I always thought it was a perfect place to raise my family, I still think it's a great place to live just a little bit disappointed........you see, I was never born into some fancy name.  I love my family and would never change that, but why does a name have so much affect on how people view you??  We are all the same human right??  I try my 1000% to put all that I have into a project to better and help others, while people look down on me and choose not to support me.  When I first started For the Love of Grace I thought I wanted to be recognized for a job well done, you know that pat on the back saying way to go??  But as I sit now and really truly understand the magnitude of the entire thing I now realize that's not what I want at all.  What I want is to help others, to let them know that they are not alone.  Sure I want people to know that the project exists, but solely to support the people who are receiving the quilts.  Without that support the project is nothing really, without those people pushing behind me it's dead in the water.  It's not just about me starting this, it was about a community that I thought would back me.  I know there are so many people in the town that have had a child or relative that has utilized some kind of NICU service.  I thought those people would support me to the moon and back, well.....those people are actually the first ones to ignore what is going on.  I know I will be forever thankful for those that we met while in the NICU and will never forget them and what they have done for me and my family.

I set goals for my self within this project.....my first goal was to donate 100 rag quilts within a year.  I am proud to say that come October 28, 2013 we will be donating far over that!!  As the number is not definite as of the moment but I can say it will be around 115!!  That is huge for us!!  And we still have until December to make it to a full year!!  My goal for October donation was to make it the biggest one yet!!  I can say that as of today we have 31 quilts to go with my goal set higher than that!!  ;)

I just ask that you look around at your community, are there places that your family may have used, weather that has been a humane society where you adopted your furry baby, or  hospital related, there are so many organizations that are out there and need donations that we don't even know about.  I didn't have a clue about the NICU until we were there and needed it.  Many people don't, and that's why I am going to push and make people listen.........

Making NEW Choices....:)

So the most popular post I have made thus far has been "choices".....Life is full of choices........each choice you make determines every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year of our lives. Make sure when you make that choice it's something that you can live with and not regret. ♥ Well.....that blog was obviously focused on the relationship (or lack there of) with my mom.  I have news to report on that front.  :)  My mom came to visit over the summer~making her trip from Florida to stay with a friend here in town for a short time.  I wasn't sure what to make of things in the beginning to be honest, there had been a long time that we hadn't spoken and I wasn't sure how that first meeting would go.  I frantically cleaned like a mad woman~maybe my way of trying not to spaz out, not that it really mattered~she was here to see us not the house. lol  She was staying just down the road from our house and the kids spent most of that day waiting for a strange car to pull in the driveway so they could run down to finally meet their grandma. Their first meeting for 3 of them.

They spotted the car they thought might be her and rode their bikes down to take a peek.....on their way back to our house I noticed they had a visitor.  :)  My heart raced but I really couldn't explain why....she is my mom, not some stranger.  Well in some sorts she was~we had lost many years that we both grew and well, sometimes those things change people.  So my mom walked into the house and we stood~looking at each other, then finally embraced with a much needed long hug.  It felt amazing to finally be at peace........

That first day was a blur, showed her the house, as we had added on and remodeled since she had visited 12+ years ago.  We talked A LOT and shared favorite memories from the past.  It really didn't seem like much time had passed at all.  Nothing really had changed from all those years ago when we visited frequently, just more kids to hear scream.  lol  ;)  Physically we were the only things that had changed~ we had grown older. (and wiser??)

The summer went by too fast and my mom (and my step-dad) had to return to Florida in early July~the kids were bummed that Grandma had to go but know that she will me coming back.  Yes, my mom is moving HOME!!  Exciting news!!  :)

Many people have asked me why forgive and forget??  Well, it's not so much the forgetting that solves things, it's the forgiveness that needs to come first.  I personally believe that one needs to be happy in their life~I was always missing something in my life.  I knew that was my mom, my daughter's grandma.  Always a missing piece that I wondered if I would ever find again.  Thankfully with some hard work it was possible to find that piece and restore that part of my life.  I understand that sometimes relationships just can't work anymore~but I think that the most important thing that anyone can do is know that it's ok if they didn't.  It's no ones fault~things are sometimes better apart than they are together.  There are times that people need to pick up their lives and carry on~I'm not a big fan of baggage so leave all that crap behind.  :)  Baggage weighs you down and no one wants that in their lives right?!  For me, my entire life revolves around my family~I want my girls to grow up loved by as many people as they possibly can.  My life was good as a child~not perfect but as wonderful as it could be.  I want them to have everything that I did and more~that includes my parents as their grand parents.  So I make the choice to make these relationships work!!  And that might be hard~but anything worth having is worth working for too right??  There are many more years and many more memories to make......

 Eating at Banaza for Haley's 14th birthday.  Grandma mentioned it was her birthday so she got a little happy birthday song.  lol  Haley LOVED it!!  Grandma's 1st actual "Grandma" act.  :)

My step father- Bruce attempting to cut Haley's ice cream cake.......it was a long job!!  ;)

My mother......:)

My step dad, Bruce.  :)

My mom and Allie, I promise she not choking her!!  lol  Allie had a very long day and was pooped out.  :)

Who says Grandma's can't rock the Mohawk??  lol

I think the biggest event during the time of my moms visit was getting together with my brother and his family.  We had a few get together's~felt amazing to have all of the pieces back together again.  On Mother's Day I had all of my family (minus Bruce) together.  My dad, step-mom, mom, and brother.  <3 

So finally in closing~I'm not sure even if I do say this it will matter to many of you.  If "Choices" made something in you question anything, please do some sole searching and examine some of your choices.  I know too many of us give up too quickly and have regrets, but tomorrow is not promised to all of us.  I am done with having regrets and wishing I would have's.  I am doing~not putting off.  So if there is any way to make peace with a choice that you have made please try to do that.  Even if it's telling the person that you can't heal a relationship with that it's over~make that choice to heal yourself.  I promise it will be the best choice you have ever made.  <3 <3

Pieces of Me

 So lately I have been feeling not so much like myself.  There are some HUGE changes happening in my life and I must learn that I can not control many of them.  I was told about 2 weeks ago that one of my best friends is moving 24 hrs 34 mins / 1542.54 miles away from me!! (yes I map quested it!) lol  I was shocked to say the least~we never take the time to appreciate the small things in life such as our friendships.  We just always think those people will be there.  So this was a major shock to my system~I had never given any thought to any of my girls moving away~maybe across town but this was a little too far for my likings.  It felt like someone was ripping my arm off of me~not even the left one~the RIGHT ONE~the one I use the most.  lol  The pain of this new idea has been growing in the pit of my stomach....something that I can't control.  I totally understand that they need to take these steps to make their lives better~so I am truly happy for them in that aspect.  I guess that I am being a tad bit selfish.  You never think that you will lose someone that has become your sister, you think that they will always be there for you when you need them.  Yes there is Facebook but I will miss the most the times that you run into each other at the Dollar Store and stand and talk for an hour~or sitting at the library when a man in a skirt walks by.  Even the times that your sitting in the window of a restaurant and they come streaking by to surprise you~when their husband okay them to leave~even when they were ready for bed.......I will miss those times.  I will miss the family get togethers when the 16 of our children finally interact over craw dad races and glow bracelets.  It's those little unexpected moments that aren't planned that I will miss.  Or teaching/learning to roller skate~watching the face of an amazing little boy light up when he is doing the exact same thing as everyone else, when it was never thought possible.  So....would it be wrong of me to want to sabotage their move~~sugar in their gas tank or slash their tires??  lol  ;)  I know life will carry on and we will still talk in Facebook and I will heal....in time. 

Having a little Faith

So anyone who really knows me knows that I am full of compassion and love for pretty much anything with 4 legs.  lol  Hence the taking on bottle feeding 3 puppies~whom are doing quite will I must add!!  Starting to eat solid dog food now~they run EVERYWHERE in the house!!  So anyways, I just can't turn my back on something that needs help~would you walk away from someone laying in the street with a broken leg??  In the aftermath of the  Boston marathon you would think more people would grow a little more compassion for others.  I have to say~I lean more towards the animal way to dish out much needed help.  We as human's should be able to ask for help that we might need.  I know I hate to ask for help but if it's the only way I will buckle down and do it no matter how my pride feels.  But when you find a pet or any animal hurting (visual signs as pet generally don't show pain) you try to do as much as humanly possible to help them right??  I know sometimes I go above and beyond the call of duty~but that is just the way my heart is.......

So in our messed up little kitty world ( I posted last time about the brand new baby kittens we have) we have our first issue with one of them.  lol  I make it a daily point to check on them and make sure that they are all thriving and give their mama a much needed break.  Checking on them Saturday night my husband noticed the little calico one had a wound on the left side of her head~just a small finger tip size owie.  Then there were 2 much smaller spots behind the larger one~thought maybe she had gotten scratched and thought not much about it, her mama would take care of it.  Well.....my little girls came running down stairs yesterday (Monday) and said there was something really wrong with her head.  I thought they were just over reacting but I went up to check on her just to make sure.  What I discovered made my stomach churn......almost the entire left side of her fur and skin were GONE!!  There was a dull white matter which I was certain was her skull.......so I freaked out and told the girls to load up in the van and we rushed her to the oh so too formular vets office.    I shook as I drove~this little girl wasn't even a week old~I knew there was nothing they would be able to do for her.  But I was just hoping for some answers and some guidance on what to do for her.  Upon walking in to the vet office door they looked at her and said to bring her back, the vet was puzzled as to what might be happening.  He asked all the questions I had running though my head~did someone hurt her(other cats in the house), was she hurt when her mama moved her after birth(she was never moved~born in the same space she lives in), and more that I can't bring to the surface right now.  It was just a puzzle that we didn't have all the pieces to.  I asked if he had ever seen anything like this before and he shook his head and my heart sank.  That means we have no idea what we are dealing with.  But the conclusion we can make is that she had some sort of trauma to her skin on the head which resulted in some sort of infection that is eating away her skin and fur.  He gave me the name of an medication to put on her twice a day  to stop the infection from spreading and help it to go away.  So we run to the local Dollar Store to find the medication they vet had written down for us~and as typical children, Grace is wanting to buy some candy~I was preoccupied and told her no very sternly~which the cashier gave me a very dirty look for.  So Grace took a few steps ahead of me and stared at the candy in front of her~all of a sudden she snaps her head up and gets this grin on her face and starts to yell MOM, MOM......I'm thinking now what??  lol  But in her hand was a $20.00 bill that she had found laying on the candy shelf......the girl has some luck in her blood.  She handed me the money with a little help, then said can we use this to pay for the kitty to get better??  About broke my heart into a million pieces.  I take things as signs~and I have to say this was certainly a huge one to me.  So we walked back out to the van and thought about what a miracle this was and in my heart I know this little kitty is going to make it though this.  Sometimes you can feel the force of something pushing you to do everything with in your power to save the impossible.  The vet really couldn't tell us what her outcome might be~he has never in his life seen something like this.....so my heart broke knowing that he can't tell me yes she will be okay~he's not so sure himself.  :(  So on our short drive home the girls and I were talking and brainstorming names for this little gal~I vote Miracle and the girls vote Faith........I think Faith has won!!  lol  I just felt the strong desire to name her~for if something (god forbid) happens to her she will have had a name and know that the little girls in this house did love her~she did matter.  I think living things deserves to die knowing they were loved~even if it's as something small as a 6 day old kitten.

So we applied her medication on her head, which her mama quickly licked off and made bleed.......so we needed a new plan of attack.  A friend on Facebook commented that maybe something to cover her head.  We have tried a few things and are still looking for that perfect cover but we have not stopped looking.  As a matter of fact I think I need to make a road trip 20 miles down the road to the store that has just what I need.  :)  I didn't sleep very well last night, worried about Faith and how her mama was treating her~the vet said there is the possibility that her mama may reject her in the case then I become her mama and bottle feed her.  Good thing I've had a little practice with that.  lol  So waking up early I made my way into where the little furry family are living~not sure what to expect.  I find the blue bandage laying in the corner of the tote and Faith on the other end......mama picked it off.  BUT, her skin seems to be looking better to me....not as much of her skull is showing so maybe over the night we were able to stop the infection from moving and killing more of her skin.  :)  She's a little warm to the touch but hard to tell when mama lays on ya.  ;)

So as I tell people about little Faith (and many know my history of taking on impossible animal situations) most think I am crazy........that I must run some sort of zoo within my home.  It might look that way on the outside but on the inside my home is full of energy, wither it's puppies playing on the rug, or sleeping on someones jacket or the cats chasing each other around the table and up the steps and back down and around, we are always busy.  It's the quite moments that bother me, when everyone is sleeping peacefully.  When the animals are up running that means they are happy and full of life and they enjoy where they are.  A sick animal lays still.......so yes maybe I do run a zoo, but it's full of love and happy pets.  They are all family to us and I would give my last breath for anyone within that circle~yes even a pet.  I might be crazy but there is nothing better than proving the impossible is possible.  :)  Someone asked me what am I teaching my kids~his wife told him to think about that.........I am teaching them that no matter how small and insignificant things may seem everything matters in life.  I am teaching them that you can nurse something from the edge of death and bring it back and smile every time it touches you.  I am teaching my children to have HOPE and FAITH!!

I'll post some pic's of Faith.....just know that they are a little graffic so if you don't want to see it please stop here and have a great day.  And if you have a moment, say a little prayer for Faith..........

 This is Faith's head on day 1 of treatment~the white showing is her skull.

Faith and her mama, Calli.  Her mama loves her and is protecting her.  :)

This is Faith's head on day 2 of the treatments, I think there is less of the skull showing and more skin and tissue growing over.  :)  Hoping so anyways.  Maybe I am just seeing what I want.  lol  Faith is 1 week old today.







UPDATE***I am so sad to have to update this with the news that I have......Faith made her journey up to Heaven when she was a mear 15 days old.  Her mama moved her and decided that it was time to end her pain and suffering~when she passed away she was with her mama and her siblings surrounded by love.  The night she passed away the girls had church~so I took the quite moment to show Faith around the yard where she would never be able to see.  I took her to the back yard so she could hear the birds sing~showed her the flowers and let her feel the sunshine.  The sky clouded over as we went into the house~a while later it began to rain~and the sun shone so brightly in the sky as the rain fell.....a rainbow appeared.  I ran up to her and said "Faith, the sun is shining~for you!!  There is a rainbow so beautiful in the sky.  It's okay now...." and later when the girls came home she had passed away.......<3