Hometown woes.....

As I live in the community where I was born, I have to say that there is a little shame within that small town.  I always thought it was a perfect place to raise my family, I still think it's a great place to live just a little bit disappointed........you see, I was never born into some fancy name.  I love my family and would never change that, but why does a name have so much affect on how people view you??  We are all the same human right??  I try my 1000% to put all that I have into a project to better and help others, while people look down on me and choose not to support me.  When I first started For the Love of Grace I thought I wanted to be recognized for a job well done, you know that pat on the back saying way to go??  But as I sit now and really truly understand the magnitude of the entire thing I now realize that's not what I want at all.  What I want is to help others, to let them know that they are not alone.  Sure I want people to know that the project exists, but solely to support the people who are receiving the quilts.  Without that support the project is nothing really, without those people pushing behind me it's dead in the water.  It's not just about me starting this, it was about a community that I thought would back me.  I know there are so many people in the town that have had a child or relative that has utilized some kind of NICU service.  I thought those people would support me to the moon and back, well.....those people are actually the first ones to ignore what is going on.  I know I will be forever thankful for those that we met while in the NICU and will never forget them and what they have done for me and my family.

I set goals for my self within this project.....my first goal was to donate 100 rag quilts within a year.  I am proud to say that come October 28, 2013 we will be donating far over that!!  As the number is not definite as of the moment but I can say it will be around 115!!  That is huge for us!!  And we still have until December to make it to a full year!!  My goal for October donation was to make it the biggest one yet!!  I can say that as of today we have 31 quilts to go with my goal set higher than that!!  ;)

I just ask that you look around at your community, are there places that your family may have used, weather that has been a humane society where you adopted your furry baby, or  hospital related, there are so many organizations that are out there and need donations that we don't even know about.  I didn't have a clue about the NICU until we were there and needed it.  Many people don't, and that's why I am going to push and make people listen.........

Making NEW Choices....:)

So the most popular post I have made thus far has been "choices".....Life is full of choices........each choice you make determines every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year of our lives. Make sure when you make that choice it's something that you can live with and not regret. ♥ Well.....that blog was obviously focused on the relationship (or lack there of) with my mom.  I have news to report on that front.  :)  My mom came to visit over the summer~making her trip from Florida to stay with a friend here in town for a short time.  I wasn't sure what to make of things in the beginning to be honest, there had been a long time that we hadn't spoken and I wasn't sure how that first meeting would go.  I frantically cleaned like a mad woman~maybe my way of trying not to spaz out, not that it really mattered~she was here to see us not the house. lol  She was staying just down the road from our house and the kids spent most of that day waiting for a strange car to pull in the driveway so they could run down to finally meet their grandma. Their first meeting for 3 of them.

They spotted the car they thought might be her and rode their bikes down to take a peek.....on their way back to our house I noticed they had a visitor.  :)  My heart raced but I really couldn't explain why....she is my mom, not some stranger.  Well in some sorts she was~we had lost many years that we both grew and well, sometimes those things change people.  So my mom walked into the house and we stood~looking at each other, then finally embraced with a much needed long hug.  It felt amazing to finally be at peace........

That first day was a blur, showed her the house, as we had added on and remodeled since she had visited 12+ years ago.  We talked A LOT and shared favorite memories from the past.  It really didn't seem like much time had passed at all.  Nothing really had changed from all those years ago when we visited frequently, just more kids to hear scream.  lol  ;)  Physically we were the only things that had changed~ we had grown older. (and wiser??)

The summer went by too fast and my mom (and my step-dad) had to return to Florida in early July~the kids were bummed that Grandma had to go but know that she will me coming back.  Yes, my mom is moving HOME!!  Exciting news!!  :)

Many people have asked me why forgive and forget??  Well, it's not so much the forgetting that solves things, it's the forgiveness that needs to come first.  I personally believe that one needs to be happy in their life~I was always missing something in my life.  I knew that was my mom, my daughter's grandma.  Always a missing piece that I wondered if I would ever find again.  Thankfully with some hard work it was possible to find that piece and restore that part of my life.  I understand that sometimes relationships just can't work anymore~but I think that the most important thing that anyone can do is know that it's ok if they didn't.  It's no ones fault~things are sometimes better apart than they are together.  There are times that people need to pick up their lives and carry on~I'm not a big fan of baggage so leave all that crap behind.  :)  Baggage weighs you down and no one wants that in their lives right?!  For me, my entire life revolves around my family~I want my girls to grow up loved by as many people as they possibly can.  My life was good as a child~not perfect but as wonderful as it could be.  I want them to have everything that I did and more~that includes my parents as their grand parents.  So I make the choice to make these relationships work!!  And that might be hard~but anything worth having is worth working for too right??  There are many more years and many more memories to make......

 Eating at Banaza for Haley's 14th birthday.  Grandma mentioned it was her birthday so she got a little happy birthday song.  lol  Haley LOVED it!!  Grandma's 1st actual "Grandma" act.  :)

My step father- Bruce attempting to cut Haley's ice cream cake.......it was a long job!!  ;)

My mother......:)

My step dad, Bruce.  :)

My mom and Allie, I promise she not choking her!!  lol  Allie had a very long day and was pooped out.  :)

Who says Grandma's can't rock the Mohawk??  lol

I think the biggest event during the time of my moms visit was getting together with my brother and his family.  We had a few get together's~felt amazing to have all of the pieces back together again.  On Mother's Day I had all of my family (minus Bruce) together.  My dad, step-mom, mom, and brother.  <3 

So finally in closing~I'm not sure even if I do say this it will matter to many of you.  If "Choices" made something in you question anything, please do some sole searching and examine some of your choices.  I know too many of us give up too quickly and have regrets, but tomorrow is not promised to all of us.  I am done with having regrets and wishing I would have's.  I am doing~not putting off.  So if there is any way to make peace with a choice that you have made please try to do that.  Even if it's telling the person that you can't heal a relationship with that it's over~make that choice to heal yourself.  I promise it will be the best choice you have ever made.  <3 <3

Pieces of Me

 So lately I have been feeling not so much like myself.  There are some HUGE changes happening in my life and I must learn that I can not control many of them.  I was told about 2 weeks ago that one of my best friends is moving 24 hrs 34 mins / 1542.54 miles away from me!! (yes I map quested it!) lol  I was shocked to say the least~we never take the time to appreciate the small things in life such as our friendships.  We just always think those people will be there.  So this was a major shock to my system~I had never given any thought to any of my girls moving away~maybe across town but this was a little too far for my likings.  It felt like someone was ripping my arm off of me~not even the left one~the RIGHT ONE~the one I use the most.  lol  The pain of this new idea has been growing in the pit of my stomach....something that I can't control.  I totally understand that they need to take these steps to make their lives better~so I am truly happy for them in that aspect.  I guess that I am being a tad bit selfish.  You never think that you will lose someone that has become your sister, you think that they will always be there for you when you need them.  Yes there is Facebook but I will miss the most the times that you run into each other at the Dollar Store and stand and talk for an hour~or sitting at the library when a man in a skirt walks by.  Even the times that your sitting in the window of a restaurant and they come streaking by to surprise you~when their husband okay them to leave~even when they were ready for bed.......I will miss those times.  I will miss the family get togethers when the 16 of our children finally interact over craw dad races and glow bracelets.  It's those little unexpected moments that aren't planned that I will miss.  Or teaching/learning to roller skate~watching the face of an amazing little boy light up when he is doing the exact same thing as everyone else, when it was never thought possible.  So....would it be wrong of me to want to sabotage their move~~sugar in their gas tank or slash their tires??  lol  ;)  I know life will carry on and we will still talk in Facebook and I will heal....in time. 

Having a little Faith

So anyone who really knows me knows that I am full of compassion and love for pretty much anything with 4 legs.  lol  Hence the taking on bottle feeding 3 puppies~whom are doing quite will I must add!!  Starting to eat solid dog food now~they run EVERYWHERE in the house!!  So anyways, I just can't turn my back on something that needs help~would you walk away from someone laying in the street with a broken leg??  In the aftermath of the  Boston marathon you would think more people would grow a little more compassion for others.  I have to say~I lean more towards the animal way to dish out much needed help.  We as human's should be able to ask for help that we might need.  I know I hate to ask for help but if it's the only way I will buckle down and do it no matter how my pride feels.  But when you find a pet or any animal hurting (visual signs as pet generally don't show pain) you try to do as much as humanly possible to help them right??  I know sometimes I go above and beyond the call of duty~but that is just the way my heart is.......

So in our messed up little kitty world ( I posted last time about the brand new baby kittens we have) we have our first issue with one of them.  lol  I make it a daily point to check on them and make sure that they are all thriving and give their mama a much needed break.  Checking on them Saturday night my husband noticed the little calico one had a wound on the left side of her head~just a small finger tip size owie.  Then there were 2 much smaller spots behind the larger one~thought maybe she had gotten scratched and thought not much about it, her mama would take care of it.  Well.....my little girls came running down stairs yesterday (Monday) and said there was something really wrong with her head.  I thought they were just over reacting but I went up to check on her just to make sure.  What I discovered made my stomach churn......almost the entire left side of her fur and skin were GONE!!  There was a dull white matter which I was certain was her skull.......so I freaked out and told the girls to load up in the van and we rushed her to the oh so too formular vets office.    I shook as I drove~this little girl wasn't even a week old~I knew there was nothing they would be able to do for her.  But I was just hoping for some answers and some guidance on what to do for her.  Upon walking in to the vet office door they looked at her and said to bring her back, the vet was puzzled as to what might be happening.  He asked all the questions I had running though my head~did someone hurt her(other cats in the house), was she hurt when her mama moved her after birth(she was never moved~born in the same space she lives in), and more that I can't bring to the surface right now.  It was just a puzzle that we didn't have all the pieces to.  I asked if he had ever seen anything like this before and he shook his head and my heart sank.  That means we have no idea what we are dealing with.  But the conclusion we can make is that she had some sort of trauma to her skin on the head which resulted in some sort of infection that is eating away her skin and fur.  He gave me the name of an medication to put on her twice a day  to stop the infection from spreading and help it to go away.  So we run to the local Dollar Store to find the medication they vet had written down for us~and as typical children, Grace is wanting to buy some candy~I was preoccupied and told her no very sternly~which the cashier gave me a very dirty look for.  So Grace took a few steps ahead of me and stared at the candy in front of her~all of a sudden she snaps her head up and gets this grin on her face and starts to yell MOM, MOM......I'm thinking now what??  lol  But in her hand was a $20.00 bill that she had found laying on the candy shelf......the girl has some luck in her blood.  She handed me the money with a little help, then said can we use this to pay for the kitty to get better??  About broke my heart into a million pieces.  I take things as signs~and I have to say this was certainly a huge one to me.  So we walked back out to the van and thought about what a miracle this was and in my heart I know this little kitty is going to make it though this.  Sometimes you can feel the force of something pushing you to do everything with in your power to save the impossible.  The vet really couldn't tell us what her outcome might be~he has never in his life seen something like this.....so my heart broke knowing that he can't tell me yes she will be okay~he's not so sure himself.  :(  So on our short drive home the girls and I were talking and brainstorming names for this little gal~I vote Miracle and the girls vote Faith........I think Faith has won!!  lol  I just felt the strong desire to name her~for if something (god forbid) happens to her she will have had a name and know that the little girls in this house did love her~she did matter.  I think living things deserves to die knowing they were loved~even if it's as something small as a 6 day old kitten.

So we applied her medication on her head, which her mama quickly licked off and made bleed.......so we needed a new plan of attack.  A friend on Facebook commented that maybe something to cover her head.  We have tried a few things and are still looking for that perfect cover but we have not stopped looking.  As a matter of fact I think I need to make a road trip 20 miles down the road to the store that has just what I need.  :)  I didn't sleep very well last night, worried about Faith and how her mama was treating her~the vet said there is the possibility that her mama may reject her in the case then I become her mama and bottle feed her.  Good thing I've had a little practice with that.  lol  So waking up early I made my way into where the little furry family are living~not sure what to expect.  I find the blue bandage laying in the corner of the tote and Faith on the other end......mama picked it off.  BUT, her skin seems to be looking better to me....not as much of her skull is showing so maybe over the night we were able to stop the infection from moving and killing more of her skin.  :)  She's a little warm to the touch but hard to tell when mama lays on ya.  ;)

So as I tell people about little Faith (and many know my history of taking on impossible animal situations) most think I am crazy........that I must run some sort of zoo within my home.  It might look that way on the outside but on the inside my home is full of energy, wither it's puppies playing on the rug, or sleeping on someones jacket or the cats chasing each other around the table and up the steps and back down and around, we are always busy.  It's the quite moments that bother me, when everyone is sleeping peacefully.  When the animals are up running that means they are happy and full of life and they enjoy where they are.  A sick animal lays still.......so yes maybe I do run a zoo, but it's full of love and happy pets.  They are all family to us and I would give my last breath for anyone within that circle~yes even a pet.  I might be crazy but there is nothing better than proving the impossible is possible.  :)  Someone asked me what am I teaching my kids~his wife told him to think about that.........I am teaching them that no matter how small and insignificant things may seem everything matters in life.  I am teaching them that you can nurse something from the edge of death and bring it back and smile every time it touches you.  I am teaching my children to have HOPE and FAITH!!

I'll post some pic's of Faith.....just know that they are a little graffic so if you don't want to see it please stop here and have a great day.  And if you have a moment, say a little prayer for Faith..........

 This is Faith's head on day 1 of treatment~the white showing is her skull.

Faith and her mama, Calli.  Her mama loves her and is protecting her.  :)

This is Faith's head on day 2 of the treatments, I think there is less of the skull showing and more skin and tissue growing over.  :)  Hoping so anyways.  Maybe I am just seeing what I want.  lol  Faith is 1 week old today.







UPDATE***I am so sad to have to update this with the news that I have......Faith made her journey up to Heaven when she was a mear 15 days old.  Her mama moved her and decided that it was time to end her pain and suffering~when she passed away she was with her mama and her siblings surrounded by love.  The night she passed away the girls had church~so I took the quite moment to show Faith around the yard where she would never be able to see.  I took her to the back yard so she could hear the birds sing~showed her the flowers and let her feel the sunshine.  The sky clouded over as we went into the house~a while later it began to rain~and the sun shone so brightly in the sky as the rain fell.....a rainbow appeared.  I ran up to her and said "Faith, the sun is shining~for you!!  There is a rainbow so beautiful in the sky.  It's okay now...." and later when the girls came home she had passed away.......<3

Running a little behind......

So I would like to take a moment to apologize for the lack of posting for the last little bit.  Life got super busy and I fell a little bit behind.  But....I would like to share with you what has been going on since we all last spent a few minutes together on your screen!!

So first off I have been sewing like my pants are on fire For the Love of Grace~our last donation was on March 3rd~ 9 girls and 7 boys blankets were donated :) The entire family was able to make the trip to donate.  So I have been cutting and laying out more blanket sets to just sew away one of these days.  https://www.facebook.com/pages/For-the-Love-of-Grace/106471102858690

Also on the list of busy times are craft shows for Cuddle Time Cloth Books~always busy on the weekends~and try to sneak in some time to sew up books to sell.

But the latest news on this side of the keyboard has been some new additions to the family.....

 We have taken on the task of bottle feeding these adorable little puppies.  They belong to my dad and step-mom~the mother of the puppies got sick and needed some medical care~so with her not being up to nourish these little cuties I was the next in line.  My step mom called me one Wednesday morning sounding very upset.  I quickly called her back to see what was going on~she filled me in on everything and asked if I would be willing to take on this huge task.  Why not??  When my step mom left my house day I felt my heart break for her~as she headed for the door you could see her heart in her hand.  I'm not the huggy type of person but my heart was in puddle for her.  I told her to turn around and gave her a hug.  And as we stood in my porch she began to sob and shake uncontrollably and I understood.  She was afraid of the future for them and their mother.  I promised her that I would fight for them. I took care of Mr. Squeeky and he turned out alright......so we took off to bottle feeding them, which proved to be a challenge all in it's self.  lol  The had no idea how to go about nursing on this foreign object so we had to take it nice and slow.  I worried that they weren't getting what they needed~upon the first puppy poop on the floor I rejoiced!!  Sounds strange to be happy about poop on you floor but that meant that they were getting what they needed and that made me very happy.  So I was happy to let them poop away!!  lol

When they first came to my house to stay they were 2 1/2 weeks old.....now they are 4 1/2 weeks old and eating like champs.  They are starting to act like little dogs.  lol  There are 2girls and 1 boy~the little guy likes to sit and whine (typical man?) until you give him some attention.  They are so very cute, they are just learning how to play with each other and learning that they have a voice~which just so happens to sound a little bit like a squirrel!!  Still adorable. 

Sleeping makes them appear to be little angels.......let me tell you they are so very far from angels.  lol  But if asked again to take on this task I would still have to say yes sir.  To me there is nothing more rewarding than taking on a challenge that you have never faced before and coming out on the top.  When my dad called me one night I remember him saying that the puppies dying was not an option......I never thought it was.  I never once thought that I couldn't do this~even at midnight when I had to force them to eat during that first week~I never gave up.  As they snuggle up to you and fall asleep in your arms there is a feeling that washes over you~I did this....I saved them from the unknown.  I was saddened to hear that their mother passed away just a day after I took them into my home and into my heart.  I know how much a pet becomes part of your home~my heart broke for my dad and step-mom.  I have been down the road of uncertainty with Squeeky~that is the main reason I was the first choice for these little cuties.  My dad knew that I would do my best and give my 1000% to make sure they grew up to be yappy little dogs.  lol

So that takes us up to the last few days.....but my house is a ZOO!!  As you all know we also have 4 adult cats......well this morning we added 3 babies to that list!!

 There are 2 little black and white babies and a calico.  I was just making the comment the other day how Callie (the mama) had never had a black and white baby.  Her mama was black and white and her grandma was black and white and her brothers were black and white but she never carried that on.  Guess I stuck my foot in my own mouth.  lol  and we still have one mama to have babies yet~should be anytime.  :)

So as you can see my life hasn't slowed down for a minute~and probably won't anytime soon.  And that's okay with me if it doesn't.  :)  What would I do with free time on my hands??  Maybe I should start a list.......wonder how far that would get me.  lol  But I hope to be back on a little bit more often.  Sorry for the lost time.  <3

Back Stabbing.......

I always thought that people who liked to start drama had nothing else better to do~otherwise why would they start drama!?  But why do these people always feel the need to drag us dog tired people into their shit??  Once again I am the topic of discussion~am I a back stabber??!!  I would like to think NOT!!  But I guess if you classify me going to bat for you up against someone that I don't even know all that well being a back stabber then I guess I'm guilty as sin.  I am a tried and true friend and all I generally get is kick in the shin for doing so.  :(  People feel the need to start drama that I am a terribly bad person that can not be trusted~this is the same person that has never been pulled over by the police (knock on wood!), I own and operate a childrens toy crafting in-home business and make and donate rag quilts to the NICU for the sick babies.  Guess I have a pretty good cover if I'm truly a bad ass!!  lol

Why are people so caught up in revenge??  Why can't people just let issues die??  Many people wonder why they have health issues~stop stressing out over pointless shit and that might help!!  I know I am a nervous person~I get caught up in way too much then I get sick.  So I had made up my mind that I'm not going to care as much as I had.  But when it comes right down to it that is impossible for me to do.  :(  I guess I care too much about the people around me and what is happening in their lives to just throw the towel in.  But it down right pisses me off to the point that flames should shoot out of my ears when people drag me into their pointless, endless drama.  I truly count these people as my sisters (yes I am talking about women~I know women and drama??) and then they decide that they don't know who they can trust so they just completely shut down??  Not sure that I am the one with the issues here.............

I think women have it the worse~first "Kim" is best friends with "Nancy" then "Julie" comes to town and "Kim" introduces "Nancy" to "Julie" and now what do you know "Nancy" and "Julie" go out for lunch and "Kim" gets pissed off at both of them!!  lol  But if "Nancy" or "Julie" confront "Kim" she says nothing is wrong.  I have had this happen to me~but the only difference is the gal came to me and asked if I cared that they were friends with the other person!!  I admire them~I didn't care one bit~we were all friends in the first place so what difference does it make??  I think we are all adults~and if you are that insecure that you have to own your friends then you need to make an appointment to have that checked out.  We are free to speak to those we choose.

We live in a world that people are fighting for our freedom~getting killed daily to defend people they don't even know.  We also live in the day that teens with issues decide when they wake up that day to walk into the school and open gun fire on those in their path.  And yet people still get hung up on the fact that "Nancy" and "Julie" are friends??  Wow......I think people need to open their eyes and see the bigger picture sometimes.  Friends are not an essential part of life~yes they make the ride better along the way~but they are not required.  I believe as long as you are happy in the relationships that matter (marriage and family) not much else should really be of concern.  But we live in a world that people think too much so I'm pretty sure that will never change.

Run ragged.......

Have you ever had weeks that you have just simply been too busy to think??  I mean really......with 4 girls I am always going here and there running round.    Haley had Cheerleading~that ended Thursday so thank goodness that's over for a while.  lol  But then comes in Allie with 4-H Clover Kids and Girl Scouts.  Which Girl Scouts just started their cookie sales last Monday so we are up to our ears in cookies!!   Which don't get me wrong is AWESOME but not too great on the waist line!!  ;)  We ordered over 200 boxes of cookies and I have to tell you I started to freak out a little bit!!  We are responsible to pay for each and every one of those boxes of cookies~but within the week we are out of cookies and needed to order MORE!!   So more stress to carry on!!  So we have been busily driving from door to door asking if anyone would like to buy cookies~the first day out was in the middle of a snow storm~but this Girl Scout didn't want to stop~storm or not. She was afraid that someone would take her sale.  Way to go!!

Then we have Grace who is also in 4-H Clover Kids~which is on a separate day than Allie's meeting.  I am also a co-leader of a 4-H club that seems to have kinda taken a back burner~the leaders get busy with life and things fall back~but getting back on track.  :)  And little Tessa just sits back and enjoys the rides to and from with all of her sister's activities.  One day she will have things of her own to be shuttled back and forth to. 

And I have been working like a crazy woman sewing the rag quilts for the NICU~had an interview with the local paper last week!!  Yeah me!!  lol  So had to make sure that I had items to photograph.  I seem to sew nonstop lately~with Cuddle Time items and orders and now the NICU blankets.  But to tell you the truth I wouldn't have life be any other way.  I have Tupperware parties from friends and just random life things pop up in my life~but what would life be like if we actually had time to stop and think??  I'm not sure what I would do!!  The little voices in my head might actually have time to come up with some really great ideas.........and I am frighten that I might start to act on some of them!!  As I was sitting at the sewing machine yesterday I couldn't help but think of what we were going to have for supper~then I remembered that I had put a roast in the crock pot earlier that morning!!  lol   Can I blame it on being a Monday!?

I can't remember the last time that we didn't have something to do~the kids activities keep me on the go and my van running here and there but what would I really do if we didn't have all that going on??  Probably sit home and become a hermit!!  It's amazing the people that you meet going out and about!!  Sometimes they are very nice, normal people~and then there are people/kids that you wished that you had never met.  I had that pleasure at one of the wrestling meets that Haley cheered at~let's just say that he had words with one of the girls (cheerleaders) as I stood back baffled that he would even say something like what he did.  Fingers had been shown and the girls sat there with baffled looks on their faces not sure of what to do.  I let the coach know of the issue and she took care of it~then the "pleasant" boy moved to a different spot but not after shooting me a few dirty looks.  It's a good thing I wasn't his mother~cause law or not I would have whipped his A$$ when we got home.  It's one thing to show off but to be flat out rude and disrespectful is another.  But back to point~you meet all sorts of people~some good others bad and as much as we would like to stay home in the comfort of our own homes our children won't let us!!  lol  Now I understand why my parents we always run so ragged.  I was also a cheerleader so with practice and games that tallies up to be a lot of running around.  But I don' t think I ever took the time to say thank you for all the running around to my parents~oops!!  As my children have never said thank you either!!  (Wonder where they get that from??)  But as parents we would do (pretty much) anything legal for our children~busy or not.  <3

Over whelming tears

Have you every had one of those days that your so happy to see the sun set??  And not because it was a horrible day but just because you are emotionally spent??  I think my yesterday was that way.  lol  Always something going on in my busy little head~thoughts are always swirling around~bouncing back and forth.  But when everyone had gone to bed and I had a few quite moments where the only voices I heard were my own I was just spent.  I stood looking in the mirror and tears streamed down my cheeks.......and there was no reason for these tears.  They just all built up and poured down my hot cheeks~as I stood there in the mirror and just let the gaits open I was surprised to see how good it felt to just break down........I read this on Facebook and thought it was fitting: 
     Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Did you know the one who takes care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? Did you know the 3 hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and Help me. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile and see how much pain they may be in. 

I can say that is mainly true in my world.  I care too much about what people think of me~why do you think I put on such a "put together" outside look??  I am insecure on the inside hoping that if people see someone who is put together on the outside they might not see the blubbering mess on the inside.  I wish I could be a throw on a pair of jeans and go mom~but the truth is I am materialistic~I care what other people think.  I would give my left arm to help out a friend~but would never ask for any help in return~afraid of being rejected.  I am a fragile messed up gal.......people who love me have no idea who the real me is on the inside.  I do think the hardest words and the ones I have spoken the least in my life are " I love you", "I'm sorry", and "Help me."  The fear of rejection is always there in my mind.

So sometimes I think that just sitting down and having a good old fashion eye rubbin' cry fest is the way to go.  I generally try to have those moments in the shower so no one is around~but I guess when the moment hits you it just does.  Emotions are funny in the way they just don't care where you are~they just GO!!  I know I was sitting in church watching the my girls approach in angel costumes for the Christmas program and tears just over whelmed my entire body, there was no stopping them.  I had no idea as to why at that very moment in CHURCH I was crying as my girls sang but it was a moment.  

Not sure if my post yesterday was the reasons behind my tears last night~could have been~fear takes over our bodies and just builds up until we release it.  For me it's either screaming or crying.  lol  I would like to take a personal moment and thank each and everyone of you who take the time out of your lives and read my nonsense!!  Writing for me is a release~a way to let it all go.  Not that it's going to take me anywhere but I hope that even if you take one tiny thing away as you go~I hope that you at least think about your life.  Think about the last time you just let go.....I need to do that more.  I need to just let go and have faith that someone somewhere will catch me........or I will fall.  And even if I fall I promise you that I will get back up and dust myself off and walk on.  Nothing can keep me down.

Choices

Life is full of choices........each choice you make determines every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year of our lives. Make sure when you make that choice it's something that you can live with and not regret. ♥  Many choices that we make we make on the fly~on an impulse you might say.  When you wake up in the morning you make a choice to open your eyes, a choice of which side of the bed to crawl out of, even something as simple as which leg to put into your pants first.  Many choices we make are easy~it just comes natural.  Other choices we make affect our entire lives~a choice that we make today might not fit our lives in 10 years.  I bring up this topic of choices after receiving a letter from my mom in the mail today.  To fill you in a little bit~my mom and I really don't have all that great of a relationship~my parents got divorced and she went one direction while I went another.  We drifted apart~gradually bumping into each other when there was time.  I was busy with school and she was learning how to live a life apart from my father.  Then one day she told me that she was moving away.......to Arkansas this time.  Being in my teens I thought I would be alright~looking back now I know that is the farthest thing from possible.  As my parents divorce wasn't a messy one I thought I was good with their choice.  But I guess in my heart I really wasn't~I went looking for attention in the wrong places and ended up pregnant.  Not going to blame my parents for my choice~because it was mine.  Anyways~my mom made a choice to move away and as a teen I never really understood that choice.  But as I became a parent myself I knew that I could never make a choice to leave my child.  When I was older and my daughter was 3 I made the choice to get married~my mom, dad and step parents were all at the wedding~that was the last time I saw my mom face to face.  It's been 11 years this year~for a time we talked on the phone for hours on end~I would say my mom was my best friend.  I truly miss those moments.  I gave birth to 3 beautiful daughters during that time~upon the birth of my 3rd who was sick my husband made a choice for me and made me write to my mom and tell her of her granddaughter.  I was too stubborn to make a choice for myself~well....I had made it~I didn't want anything to do with it.  I let my feelings go in that letter~it was my choice to finally let my mom know how I felt.  Needles to say it didn't go over very well~she wrote a letter in return telling me her side of things........which I needed to hear.  Many of the things I had written I wish I could have taken back~but once they leave my hand they are gone forever.  Today as I read her letter~she asked for some sort of return of affection.  I just don't know if I can.  I have spent endless hours of my time crying over things that I can not control.  Time that I wish had been spent together~my mom has never met 3 of my 4 girls.  She is searching for a family to accept her into theirs~she is hoping it's not too late.  Is it too late??  A choice made too little....too far out??  I'm not sure~I do know that my girls are more than excited to meet their grandma.....they are also longing for that missing piece.  I have always told my girls they can make their own choices~I can't stop them......but I can shield them and protect them the best that I can from those choices that I might not approve of.

You see to back up even more~the relationship between my mother and her mother was jagged.......she was a late mother~parenting in her 40's and then she lost her husband when my mom was 7 years old.  So she worked hard to provided everything for her family.  That was her choice.  I always thought my grandma was a strong woman~even though she was a very small frail woman.  When my mom spoke of her actions it was almost unrecognizable~I didn't see how she could have been that woman she spoke of.  But people have many sides to them....and that was one side I had never seen.  So I saw the relationship between my mom and grandma evaporate and I was watching the very same thing with my own with my mother.  I saw history repeating it's self~would this happen to me and my girls??  I was certain that it would if I didn't do something to stop it.  So I took a pledge to my mother~that I would never walk away from my children~EVER!!  I felt like she had walked away~I would never do that.

So I made the choice to talk to my girls about all relationships~good, bad, past and present.  They know.......even as I write this tonight I am second guessing my choices~I know that when (not if) my mom sees this she will be hurt~but I am making yet another choice.  Understand that even one bad choice that we make over 15 years ago affect everything......for many people involved.  I know that my personal relationships with many woman can not be built~I would rather deal with a man if I had the choice.  I have no valid relationship with any women~I am now just finally starting to let my guard down to a few select group of women I love to call my friends.  But still I have a hard time trusting.  I don't know if my relationship with my mom will ever be what it once was~but I need to dig down in my heart and see where I want this to go.  Do I lover her~of course I do........just don't think that I should have to prove that.  I am one to give second chances~but I don't forgive and forget easily.  Being hurt HURTS.....trusting is hard when you have seen the road it might lead you down.  But we all must make choices~and my choice is to slowly TRY!! 
♥♥

I might be CrAzY!!

Some people might call me crazy....others might call me passionate for a cause......whatever you call me is totally fine with me.   You see I have always been the sort of person that when I find something that I absolutely love I put my entire heart and sole into it.  Now if that makes me crazy then so be it.  When I fall in  love I fall hard and  deep~to me that is the only way.  There are few things in life that we go crazy for anymore and I mean crazy in a good way.  lol  ;)



I know my number one has and always will be my family.  I have put in too many (wo)man hours to ever throw in the towel.  Now don't get me wrong~I do believe that divorces are sometimes necessary~my parents divorced when I was young, it was never one of those messy divorces.  They were just no longer in love the way they once were~and I admire the fact that they both realized that and didn't grow to hate each other.  I just don't want to end up that way~when I said forever that is exactly what I meant~FOREVER!!  Now there will always be times that I second guess  my self and any decision I have made~and I think that is completely normal for everyone to second guess them selves~especially on the really big life changing events.  But would I ever buy that magical time machine and jet back and change it~~ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

 I have also been known to be a bit crazy about my cat.........as much of a pain in the behind he has been he will always be my number one go to guy (as long as he is around)!!  I know that when I feel down he will come to me and snuggle~no questions asked~asking for nothing in return.  Now that is my dream man!!  ;)  He listens to my secrets and never spills a one........if he did I think we would move to Hollywood and pursue bigger dreams. 

But I have always been a firm believer that if you choose to take on the responsibility of a pet then you better be ready to take on everything that comes with them.  Never did I image that I would spend nearly the amount that I have on a CAT but I took on the choice to own him.  The moment he was born I fell in love with him just as I did with my own children.  The people that don't realize that,should be treated the exact way they treat their pets.  I have also been told that is the reason that people don't own a pet~they don't want to have to shell out the $$ to "fix" them or to go through the whole death plan with the kiddo's.  I can see if your child dislikes animals or has an allergy but to me it's all part of life.  Pets are the same as people~people are born into our lives and people exit our lives~not everything is meant to last forever.  I believe it's an important lesson for our children to learn!!  I know my kids 100% understand that things die~yes it hurts and you cry for weeks every time time you see their favorite toy but eventually it will be ok. 

When we put our 13 year old dog Ruger down in Dec. 2011 it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do~the girls had grown up with him~we got him when my oldest was 18 months old and the other girls were "born to him"  For weeks I laid on the couch and cried~was physically sick to my stomach at his loss~but today we have a wall of family pictures and he is top and center on that wall.  Every Christmas we top our Christmas tree with his purple collar with his name engraved on it~the girls always say he is our personal angel.

 Anyways~I am probably the most crazy about my kids.  I might only weigh 117 pounds but believe me that if you mess with one of my girls I will look like a 300 pound sumo coming after you!!  We unfortunately live in a day and age that it's fairly common for children to come up missing.  That has always been my biggest fear when I became a parent.  So I am probably a little bit over protective on that respect but with good reason.  As much as we would all love to think that we live on a perfect planet that is filled with all kind and loving people that is just not true.  Kids come up missing walking home from school, playing at a friends house and even at school~one of the safest places you can think of.  I have always known in my heart that I would die if something happened to one of my girls.  I would gladly trade places with one of them if God forbid something happened to them.  In my mind I have lived a full life and have experienced enough of the world to be able to die happy~as where my girls are just starting out their lives.......I want them to grow old (hopefully I will be around to watch them) but I would trade in the blink of an eye if need be.

 I learned that becoming a parent makes you a selfless person, the moment my first child was placed into my arms much of the world didn't matter anymore.  She was all that I saw, all that I wanted to see.  I wanted to wrap my arms around her and never let go~now that she's 13 I'm sure she would LOVE that!!  lol  And the more children that I had the more intense that feeling becomes.  You wonder where all that love will come from and how it will all fit into your heart~but somehow it just does.

A year ago when  local 7year old little girl was hit by a vehicle while boarding her school bus~my girls sent their love to the family.

I'm sure there are so many things that I am crazy or passionate about that I just can't think of right now that really seem to matter. lol  I love the color purple and seem to have it everywhere~a little bit obsessive one might say.  But some obsessions are good obsessions right??  ;)

Giving Back

It seems the older I get the more I have this burning desire to give back where I can.  In 2012 I had the pleasure of doing the MS Walk with a great group of friends, also I joined the Fighting Flamingo's which is a Relay For Life team that raises money for cancer research.  I didn't get to do as much with the Flamingo's as I would have liked to~actaully was only able to donate food for a bake sale.  lol  I also made the choice to donate my hair (which I already blogged about).  But you know there is always one cause that is near and dear to your heart~something that pulls you in.

I seem to have found that niche~I love to sew things (I'm a crafty ass!)  lol  Since my 3rd daughter was born early and spent time in the NICU I had the hair-brain idea to make rag quilts to donate.  Have I ever made a rag quilt??  NO!!  lol  But I had the one that was given to my daughter, Grace so I just took it from there.  I'm not really the type of girl to follow instructions in the first place so we're good!!  ;) I have a huge pile of fabric so I just began to pick out random fabric's that I thought worked well together.  I use snuggle fleece since it is mush softer and frays to make a adorable baby blanket.  So the sewing and cutting began and waalaa.....

I was lucky enough to have stumbled upon a sale at the fabric store that allowed me to purchase a lot of fabric for these adorable blankets.  So the creativity was running wild and the mass sewing began.....

So I rallied the troops that I could and set off to making as many blankets as I could over the next few weeks.  One of my oldest, best friends also had a little boy in the NICU (born the same age) and she took on the same task as I.  I contacted the NICU to make sure that we were able to donate them and that the blankets would be used.  The hospital was eager to accept them so we set our date for donation and prepped for delivery.

 Baby girl little whales...

                                        

                                                                            Love Grows......

                                         Grey Polka Dots........

Pink Buttons......

Purple Paisley.......









Blue Stars........

                                                                                                Baby Blue whales.....

Package of blankets ready to donate~each of them has a little card inclosed with some words of inspiration from someone who has been where these families are.

The crew who donated:  (Left to right)  Jamie Van Quathem, her son William  (almost 6 yrs, old), Allie (8 years old), Tessa (5 years old), Grace (6 years old), Haley (13 years old) and myself.

If anyone wants to check us out we are on Facebook~"For the Love of Grace"

https://www.facebook.com/pages/For-the-Love-of-Grace/106471102858690